...Just when I thought I had it all

The thing about faith....

2009-11-30T09:08:00.001-06:00

The thing about faith is it isn't about what we want...

It’s a confidence that God won’t give us any challenge we can’t handle….

....We just don’t know what that limit is.

A happy day indeed!...

2009-09-17T12:42:00.002-05:00

I have been following Kathy´s blog for quite a while...

...After many years of struggles and then placing her first daughter into the arms of our Father, the world smiled again one morning last January as 2 pink lines appeared...

...A miracle, spontaneous, much wanted cenception happened and a new little life had begun...

...Today, that little life made her entrance into this world, safe and sound, turning Sept 17th in a VERY HAPPY day indeed!

Congratulations and a BIG BEAR hug to Kathy, Bob, Sean, Molly and little Abigail Grace!

Thank you!

2009-08-18T08:58:00.003-05:00

Thank you…

Thank you so much for taking the time to leave your comments to my previous post!

We really are NOT at the stage of actually deciding on an option yet, but I am doing my research, and up until now those are our 2 choices.

There were some interesting questions some of you had and I will try to address those in this post.

The contact with the nearest clinic is through my doctors here. We really don´t have too much info as we haven’t really had an appointment to discuss it, but I will make sure to have all the facts when the time comes.

The big-guns clinic has a lot of information on their site, but we haven’t had any appointments with them either. All I know is from the webpage and a few fellow bloggers who cycled or are currently cycling there. As we haven’t had any appointments with them I don’t know if they would suggest to try a cycle with my eggs, but due to my current FSH levels, I highly doubt it, and honestly I strongly believe it will be just a waste of time, effort and money!

From what I know each clinic has its own pool of donors, but I am not sure how much information about the donors each clinic will share. I believe the waiting list may be a bit shorter in the nearest clinic but then I know that they don´t do the screening on donors until AFTER the donor has been chosen -and if something is wrong you are back to square one again!-, and the big-guns clinic do the screening on all their donors BEFORE adding them to their pool, so they are always ready to cycle, so that may offset the longer waitlist.

Em.bryo dona.tion could be a possibility also, but considering that in the most viable options my genetic link will be out of the equation, I REALLY would like our future child(ren) to have the genetic link to DH, so we will try that first.

We still have time, I will sure let you all know what we decided after the initial appointments, but they will not be before October. Even though I will just LOVE to have a growing belly again soon, I know this time is helping us greatly.

The BIG question?

2009-08-12T13:51:00.001-05:00

Yes, I am still here!!!

Things have been busy around this corner of the world but thankfully we are all fine, just melting ourselves away in this 100+ F we get here at this time of the year, which I read has been the worst in the last 27 years.

As each day goes by I am more used to the idea of giving a try to the egg dona.tion option. We will need to travel to do it because here in my country those programs are at the beginning stage and the testing every donor should have performed regarding infectious diseases, etc… is not well structured, and therefore risky.

We have two options at this point:

OPTION 1: Closer to home - can get there easily by car-, success rates at 60-65% in egg dona.tion cycles, performing about 30 dona.tion cycles per year, costs at around 20 thousand USD per cycle

OPTION 2: Far from home – will need to fly, success rates at 80% in egg do.na.tion cycles, performing about 180+ dona.tion cycles per year, costs at around 35 thousand per cycle

Our insurance does NOT cover any kind of ferti.lity treatment, so everything will be paid from our very own pockets. We are not wealthy people by any means, but can find the way to finance either option.

…And the BIG question is, WHAT WOULD YOU DO????...

I greatly appreciate all your input!!!

Thanks a lot in advance ;)

Not this time

2009-07-13T11:08:00.005-05:00

I woke up this morning to discover that my period had just started, and while on one hand it meant we were not pregnant, it was also a nice reminder that my ovaries did work at least a little, and that is enough to make me happy today!

I will continue doing my research about the fer.ti.li.ty clinics and the egg do.na.tion programs but I believe we still want to wait at least 4 more months to see what my ovaries are up to. It is weird because there is really nothing I want more than being pregnant again, but then I don´t want to rush things. In the mean while we can also take advantage of this extra time to save a little more to cover the stupidly expensive costs of I..V..F.. with egg do.na.tion.

....because yes, it will be paid out of our very own pockets.

I remind myself every day to keep things in perspective, because my life is great enough already to ruin it with sadness!

CD61 - AKA 1 DPO!

2009-07-03T08:57:00.004-05:00

Yeap, that is right.... today I am 1 day past ovulation!

...Yesterday at the ultrasound my lining measured 9.5mm (2.5mm increase from the day before) and my right ovary showed a nice collapsed "late bloomer" follie which meant I had already ovulated a few hours ago. The previous day it measured 16mm, I hope it had a chance to get a little bigger and be mature.

I asked my doctor at the beginning of the appointment if he thought we should do an I..U..I.. considering the impending uncertainty about my future cycles and he agreed that it couldn´t hurt and might help, but after the ultrasound confirmed that I have already ovulated, the I..U..I.. was out of the question, it was too late. So, this try is all on our own!

While of course we are cautiously optimistic, we know there are no guarantees. We will sure hope for the best but be prepared for the worst....

....I guess the simple thought of knowing there is a chance will get us through this waiting stage, because where there is life (and a late bloomer egg!), there is hope!

CD 60 - There is something happening!

2009-07-02T08:34:00.005-05:00

After my monitoring appointment yesterday it seems that something is going on.

My right ovary thought CD 60 was not too late and decided to work a little.

I have ONE growing follie measuring 16mm and my lining was at 7mm.

I go in today for another ultrasound to keep track of this nice late bloomer of mine.

It only takes one, right???....

....Can I hope it is a good one???

Could it be???

2009-07-01T11:55:00.001-05:00

Oh well, I don´t know what to think….

I have spent the last week doing my research about fer.tility cli.nics, egg do.nation pro.grams, sta.tistics, etc… and was getting excited about all I had been reading and learning.

Last Friday I started to notice some cervical fluid which, up until that day, had been non existent. Vaginal dryness is a symptom of poor ova.rian activity, so I had been as dry as a dessert and the hot flashes were becoming part of this new “me” also. I really didn´t pay much attention to the cervical fluid but then on Saturday I noticed more and by Sunday I realized also that my hot flashes had decreased considerably those last two days and I had been feeling better physically.

On Monday my mind starting racing on what if’s and I decided to get blood work done yesterday to see how my hormone levels were.

Last January, when I realized I was experiencing P..O..F.. symptoms again my blood work showed very high levels of FSH and a very low estrogen level, they were at 59 and 39 respectively. This pattern is very indicative of P..O..F.., in which FSH is sky high and estradiol doesn’t get higher than 60.

After all my boring monitoring appointments, I was expecting the same pattern this time but much to my surprise the levels were different:

F..S..H.. 29
L..H.. 33
Es.tradiol 267

While F..S..H.. and L..H.. are still high, the estradiol is in pretty good levels which can be an indicator of ovarian activity.

I emailed the results to my doctor and I will go in for an ultrasound this afternoon to see if there is really something happening. I just hope we see at least some activity and that the estradiol level is NOT a lab reporting error!

Final call

2009-06-23T13:22:00.002-05:00

2 more of the same boring monitoring appointments brought the final call

It is really impossible to predict if someday, somehow, my ovaries will work again, like they did 2 years ago. As they are and look right now it seems like never. They are looking, and I am feeling pretty much me.no.pau.sal but we never know, that is the beauty of P..O..F..

…It is like a box of chocolates: you really never know what you’re going to get!

My doctor started the talk about other options, family building wise, but I wanted the T to be present and he couldn’t make it yesterday, so we have scheduled another appointment next week to talk about it.

It is pretty much looking like the ending of this pursuit to have one more biological child, and the beginning of a new chapter exploring the options of what can be.

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."

I just needed to read this today, thank you Bella for sharing!.... Bella, is a fellow blogger with P..O..F.., and yesterday got GREAT news after her first do.nor eggs cycle!!!...

Day 32 monitoring

2009-06-10T19:54:00.000-05:00

I had one more monitoring appointment last Thursday and there was no change at all, my ovaries are totally inactive and there is no lining, therefore I am in CD 38 and haven´t had a period. If there is nothing to shed, there is no period!

My doctor had a family emergency out of town since last week, so this time the ultrasound was performed by another doctor, she is the youngest there, I guess she is probably on her early thirties. She talked to my doctor on the phone after the ultrasound and he wanted me to keep taking Fe.ma.ra until he comes back and calls me. I really don´t know how much longer he wants to keep going, but I don’t believe it will be that long….

…And now that the egg do.na.tion seems to be the next step I really don´t know if we should go that route or just start the adoption process. I loved being pregnant, and sometimes I want with all my heart to be pregnant again, even if the baby is not mine biologically, but then there is this thought that if we couldn´t make it happen with our own ga.me.tes there are lots of kids waiting to have loving adoptive parents and it just breaks my heart….

It breaks my heart to know it, and a selfish feeling gets to me.

Does it really is this difficult?

Magic

2009-06-01T19:28:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day of June, and my fifth day on Fe.ma.ra. The first two days I had headaches and really don’t know if it was the medication or it was just coincidence. Thankfully, no other side effects so far. I still have hot flashes but that is due to being, well, menopausal, with high levels of F..S..H and low es.tro.gen…

From all the days while I tracked my cycles, when I was cycling on my own, I have come to know myself pretty well and I am able to recognize my fertility signs and at this point I don’t have any, which leads me to believe the Fe.ma.ra is not doing its magic.

It seems we will need another kind of magic…

..the kind of magic that comes when you let go, count your blessings, and don’t let the circumstances define who you really are!

Day 25 monitoring

2009-05-28T17:34:00.006-05:00

One more monitoring appointment left behind...

....With the B..C..P.. we were trying to give my ovaries a little break, but they didn't take a little vacation, they are taking a sabatic year!

Things were the same, and we had a good laugh as I was joking, making fun of myself and my lazy ovaries.

So, on to plan B, I am starting Fe.ma.ra today hoping for a miracle.

I believe in miracles, actually I have one at home waiting for me, and sometimes I think I am being greedy wanting more, but then at the same time I know there is no other way to know what is in store for us than trying.

It is a try an error kind of thing!

And while trying I trust....

.... I trust that whatever final outcome we get will be the best for us, and now we are just going one step at a time, trying to find out which door will finally open.

Day 18 monitoring

2009-05-21T19:10:00.003-05:00

I went for one more monitoring appointment today.

As I suspected, things are pretty much the same as the previous two weeks, no ovarian activity at all and therefore a very thin lining.

At this point, there is really not much hope left. My doctor decided to give it one last chance for an extra week, so I am supposed to go back next Thursday again. We both agree it is very likely that things will look exactly the same.

So, considering I am once again showing a very clear pattern of pre.ma.tu.re ova.rian fai.lure, there are really not too many options for us. The plan for now is to wait one more week with no meds and if the ovaries are still innactive, as they have been, try Fe.ma.ra hoping it will get my cycle going. If Fe.ma.ra does not do the trick we will be facing either the I..V..F.. with egg do.na.tion path or a.dop.tion.

I feel OK, of course there are moments when it hits me and I am sad, but it does not last long as I think about how fortunate we are already.

We have so much.

ALREADY.

...And for that we will be forever grateful and happy, no matter what the future holds.

....All this just keeps me realizing, even more every day, what an extraordinary miracle our daughter is!

Day 11 monitoring

2009-05-14T10:44:00.000-05:00

I had my second monitoring appointment today - CD 11 -

….and all I can say is that my ovaries urgently need an alarm clock!!!... They are sound asleep with no tangible intentions to wake up and start working!

…As expected, with no ovarian activity, my lining was very thin.

…I need to recruit T.o.m. C.r.u.i.s.e for this mission impossible, or maybe, D.a.v.i.d. C.o.p.p.e.r.f.i.e.l.d can give us a hand too!

I am going back next week, and I guess the plan will start to develop then, but as I see it, it is very likely that egg do.na.tion will be our viable option.

Make your bets, the game is just starting!

Please!

2009-05-12T11:01:00.004-05:00

The Freemans are going through a very difficult time. I just can´t even imagine how they are feeling. Their beautiful youngest daughter was born premature 11 months ago. She was the sweetest one pound miracle on earth!...
...Yesterday, she got her final call and went to Heaven.

The Spohrs are also having tough days as they are missing Maddie even more as each day goes by.

Please, have these two families in your thoughts and prayers today and in the days to come.

May they find the strenght to overcome this difficult time.

Day 3 monitoring

2009-05-07T09:20:00.004-05:00

I had my first monitoring appointment yesterday and well, my ovaries are not active at all, my right ovary had nothing going on....

Nothing at all!!!....

...And the left had only ONE follice measuring 6mm. Our OB didn´t say anything, good or bad about it, he wants me to come back next week for another ultrasound but I guess it is pretty clear that my ovarian reserve is going to its very end.

Houston, we have a no eggs problem!!!

I am not surprised, I am glad I was prepared for it.

Oh well, it is looking like an interesting roller coaster ahead!

Let's roll....

2009-05-01T18:45:00.000-05:00

I took my last B..C..P.. last night, which means I should be getting AF on Monday. I have my first monitoring appointment next Wednesday and I guess the plan will develop depending on how things are looking.

Sometimes I feel that we may still have a chance and sometimes I think we are trying to make a rock ovulate. On our last appointment my OB was very hopeful and positive, but the reality is that there are no guarantees.

I have been very kind to my ovaries lately, I have spoken softly to them trying to convince them to get a little active one more time and jump on this boat with us. Let´s see if they are listening.

….Stay tuned!

Dearest Daughter...

2009-04-23T08:55:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about what I want to say to you today and I just don´t seem to find the right words to describe the joy and happiness I have felt this past year, your first year!

I always wanted to have a daughter. When I found out you were a girl I was ecstatic about it. I carried you in my belly everywhere, you were my passenger!... I talked to you about what we were doing, or where we were going, I sang to you, I taught you how to choose fruits and veggies and then how to cook them; we went to church, to the bank, even traveling. Being pregnant with you was one of the most exciting and enjoyable experiences I have ever had.

While you were in my womb time just flew and right at 8 months I had an emergency, I was loosing a lot of blood and you were not doing OK inside my belly anymore so it was time to take you out. Everything was uncertain at that time and I will never forget how grateful I felt when I heard you cry. I just heard you, I couldn’t see you because you were not doing good and needed to be taken care of, so off to the NICU you went. Those were difficult days. We didn’t know what will happen, but you were a miracle, our miracle and since those days you taught us you were a champion. With much help, doctors, more doctors, respirators, ventilators, shots, and lots of love you kept getting better and better each day and after 2 weeks we were able to take you home.

Once at home, you slept in your crib since the first day. It seemed to big for such a little bundle of you and today you jump, pull up and play all around that same crib, and now it seems so little for that much energy!

I close my eyes and I just can not believe one year has gone by. A year in which far from teaching and helping you to discover the world, you have taught me to discover myself again and have reminded me that the best things are found in our everyday life together: in your smile, in making you laugh out loud, in amaze myself when I look at your expression when you are discovering something new.

Parenting you has certainly been a whole new chapter in my life and I am no expert, but I can assure you everything was, and still is, so worth it.

I have truly enjoyed being around you, full of you… Those sleepless first nights at home, those days of letting you sleep in my chest, those days when I sang to you for hours, those feeding sessions, those minutes during your bath time, those last minutes at the office impatiently waiting to see you again at home.

Looking at you has become my most effective medicine. You make every pain to disappear and every trouble to go away.

Thank you for being here, for making me a mom, for changing my life, for melting my heart, for being soup to my soul, for flooding me in joy, for passing your laughter, for being who you are!

You are NOT the daughter I had always wanted, you are sooooo much, much, much more I had ever imagined you would be, and I love you sooooo much, much, much more than I can express!

Happy first birthday my little girl,….. and cheers to, hopefully, for God´s grace, many, many, many more birthdays to come and share together!

...A very special day!

2009-04-17T09:15:00.003-05:00

....A very special day indeed!

Preparations are in full force in Heaven because a birthday party will start shortly. A beautiful baby girl, Molly Marie is celebrating her first birthday!

It is certainly a beautiful day, yet painful and bittersweet for her family here on earth.

Please join me in celebrating Molly´s life today, and have her and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Happy birthday little Molly, you are extremely lucky to have such a wonderful family, you will be foreved missed and loved!!!...

We are back

2009-04-06T13:18:00.003-05:00

We had a great time, enjoyed ourselves and celebrated by birthday!!!

It was a great get away and now, we are back to our daily routine. AF arrived this past weekend and I will be starting the last pack of B..C..P.. this coming Wednesday.

Farah asked me a while ago, how it felt to be trying again.... Well, we really have not started the fun part yet, but up to this point it has been very different from last time. The IF wound is there and it will never go away, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. I am not sad when I look at pregnant bellies or when I hear pregnancy announcements. I have found myself actually happy, hoping really hard to have that opportunity one more time, but then at the same time, being extremelly aware that it may not happen, and knowing that if that is the case, I will get through it.

Having our daughter, for me, has certainly make this a road a lot more pleasant. She keeps me grounded, grateful, hopeful.

Many doors will appear on our road in the months to come. I trust the one that opens will be the best one for us, so I am just going with the flow, just about to start knocking on doors to find out THE ONE.

At peace

2009-03-27T10:44:00.000-06:00

We are going away for a few days to enjoy some free time, the sun, the beach and everything in between.

I can´t really explain how well I feel. I am incredibly grateful for this peace that settled in my mind and in my heart. I guess I got to the point to really understand there are, and will be, many things that I can´t control and I am OK with it.

I let go.

Don´t get me wrong, I haven´t given up, I still want a sibling to my daughter but I have found extreme peace in realizing I am not in control. There are many ways to get there. At this point I am not sure which is the one. I don´t know if my ovaries will cooperate enough and even if they do, it is not a guarantee that we will be able to conceive again, but then there is the do.nor. egg rou.te, or a.dop.tion…. Both of them are truly expensive options, but we will see once we get there. I have come to terms with the fact that there is a possibility that I will not be biologically related to our future child, or children….. and I am completely at peace with it.

And if for some reason, neither option turn out for us, I am sure I will be fine too.

I will be forever grateful for what I have, for as long as I have it.

A humble request....

2009-03-24T09:25:00.002-06:00

A few months ago, I asked you to pray for MckMama and baby Stellan the very day she was delivering him, as he had been having heart problems while in the womb and the doctors didn’t know how his heart was going to work once he was born. While in the womb, MckMama was medicated to help the baby’s heart and it improved a lot, but at the end they needed to wean her from the medication and we were all blown away when little Stellan was born happy and healthy. During his firsts months of his life he didn’t show any sign of heart failure at all.

This past weekend, with no warning, Stellan´s heart started to show signs of failure again and went to the hospital. He is still there, fighting for his life but things are looking serious and the doctors haven’t been able to stabilize his heart rate.

One more prayer request, yesterday one year ago, one of my ob´s twin daughters went to heaven. As you can imagine it has been a very difficult year for his family.

Please have these two sweet families in your thoughts and prayers.

Birthday wish

2009-03-16T17:17:00.002-06:00

My birthday is coming.

Today at lunch I was asked to give a “suggestion gift” list. I sat there, thought about it and just smiled….

…because, yes, there is just this one thing in my mind,

…just one more,

… but it is something that can´t be bought and wrapped, and I am fully aware that maybe is not meant to be for me, for our family,

…and that´s OK,

….I know that if that's the case, I will be OK,

…but it doesn´t keep me from wishing and dreaming,

…because a girl can dream and wish, right???

…. So I just smiled back, the conversation changed to a different subject and my heart felt safe again.

Don't miss....

2009-03-04T09:22:00.001-06:00

To be focused on the shadows of the past and the unknowns of the future is to miss out on the blessings of the present….

.....life is too short, don’t miss anything!

Making my grass greener....

2009-02-23T09:37:00.001-06:00

Wow, we had a great weekend. The weather was nice and we enjoyed it.

AF arrived last Friday as I anticipated, it has been as usual, no cramps, bloating or anything in between, but I never have symptoms so I am happy that this pills are doing what they are supposed to without giving me issues. I am starting the second round of B..C..P.. tomorrow.

I have been feeling great lately, and I am extremely happy about it. I have been focusing on really putting things into perspective and working every day not to loose it….

…. And I have found peace about all this, about my life, about what can or can´t be, about uncertainty. I never give up, never….. I didn’t do it when I was first diagnosed and we didn’t have our daughter. much less now!.....One thing, for sure, that has helped this time, a lot, is the joy of having our daughter. I am not going to sugarcoat things, IF is still IF and it hurts, it is just that even though it hurts it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to because there are many other things that mitigate that hurt and that is exactly what I have been working on and I believe it is starting to pay off.

I see things differently, I try to stay on the positive side and it is helping me to turn what I don’t like into a good thing; something to learn and grow as a person as I have come to realize that if I can’t change or control what is happening, I sure can control the way I react and therefore the impact it all will have on me, on my family, on our everyday life and on our future. I have never been the type of person who just sit and cry when something goes wrong…. I need to move on, keeping the good side to treasure it. It works for me and it has helped to make my grass look greener…..

…it is not always easy, and sometimes it takes a lot of rain to make my grass look nice but the ending result is awesome…. And Spring is coming soon, so I better work hard NOW or it won’t be ready for the flower!!!....

.....Stay tuned for the blooming season!

...all I have for now

2009-02-17T13:14:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I took the last pill of the first B..C..P.. package so I guess I will have my period by the end of the week. I am fortunate enough to say that I have been feeling great, no side effects at all. Sometimes I am emotional, yes, but I have been emotional for a while now, so it is not caused by the pills.

It is ironic that if we actually want to get pregnant again, I am taking pills to do the exact opposite!.... I know, I know…. We are giving my ovaries a break so they just get some rest, relax, and see if they are up to a little bit, at least a little bit, more work afterwards. I guess I will need to have a long talk with them in the coming months, maybe, - JUST maybe - if I am sweet enough, I can convince them to help us out a little!

I have not written about it, but for the second time, our OB told me I am more than ready to have my own fer.ti.li.ty clinic because I just know so much about it. It all started when we were trying to coordinate dates, because the T travels a lot and, ahemmm, I guess I need him here on the right dates to actually try to get pregnant…. So I was just looking at the calendar and talking to myself, but he and the T were listening, and then he said it…. I just laughed, and told him that when you are diagnosed with something you didn´t even know existed, well you have two options, one is to just sit and cry, the other one is sit, cry, and then try to learn and understand what is going on….. I believe he is much more used to the girls that just sit, cry and call her momma, well I am much more on the learning and proactive side. Not that it is better to be on this side, but at least it makes things easier for all of us.

It is all looking good now, today I am extremely happy to be
who I am,
where I am,
how I am, …

…no matter if it involves a underactive thyroid and a pair of lazy ovaries…because I am fully aware it ALSO involves a TON of great things I wouldn´t trade for anything….

….and this happiness if enough to last through the end of TODAY, and TODAY is all I have for now!

Signs

2009-02-13T19:09:00.004-06:00

Strange things happen those days when I am being emotional over every little thing....

When I least expect it I get across situations to learn from and to, once more, be grateful for being who I am, where I am and how I got here.... Lessons that one way, or another, let me know that I am being cared for, ....that I am not alone.

"Faith is about risk. Too many people want it to be without risk, and because it isn't, they choose not to believe. To have faith is to have courage. Faith means taking a risk that God is really there. There is a reward for that risk, eventually, and it's called KNOWING. Eventually, faith gives you evidence of the existence of a higher being. Without taking the risk, you can never get to the knowing, and you reinforce your disbelief. Risk is the currency of life, and in the same vein, it's the ticket to meeting God."

The plan....

2009-02-12T11:49:00.002-06:00

Everything went well yesterday at our appointment. We had a very long talk, we were there for almost 2 hours. I am really pleased with our OB, we were really grateful that he spent that much time talking to us about the situation and answering our questions.

The conclusions were what we suspected and knew. My ovaries are showing a non responsive pattern for the second time and there is no way to find out if really this is it, or if, like the other time, after a “reset” and little help they will get active once again. The main thing is that, clearly, they are slowing down and time plays a huge role here. If we want a biological sibling for our daughter we can´t wait to start trying because as time goes by it becomes more and more difficult, considering the circumstances.

The plan for now is to do 3 cycles of B..C..P.. (I am already in cycle 1) and then a monitoring cycle, without stims, to see how are my ovaries responding after the 3-month reset period. If we are lucky enough to have ovarian activity, depending on how things are looking, will decide if we do an I..U..I.. or try on our own for that cycle. If there is little or no ovarian response we will discuss if a cycle with stims is a chance worth trying or not. We didn´t get into much detail about this other options, we will cross that bridge once we get there.

I have been very emotional these days. I just pray everyday to be strong, at peace and grafetful. Don’t get me wrong, I know this whole thing is not the end of the world, it is simply that in.fer.ti.li.ty hurt feeling that gets to me sometimes despite my hard efforts to push it away, because, I already have so much….. -REALLY -...but even though my brain understands it pretty well, my heart just shrinks every now and then.

....It is just the beginning

2009-02-09T10:26:00.002-06:00

I just came back from vacation, much needed vacation!!!!.... We had a great time and were able to relax a lot and just enjoy ourselves.

We have an appointment with my OB this coming Wednesday afternoon. We will discuss the plan and some questions we have about it.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this entire situation, it is difficult. I want so much to give a sibling to our daughter but then I am scared, I am scared of the emotional toll to be paid if things don’t turn out or, turn out and then go wrong….. I feel that I have already gotten so much with our daughter that wanting more is being greedy, but on the other hand I am pretty sure that if I just don´t do anything I will regret later on and I will carry on my mind the “What if I have had tried….” question forever.

….and this is just the beginning, let´s pray each day brings new joy, happiness and renewed hope as the one I found today in Kathy's blog….

Dear Kathy, you are truly an inspiration. I can´t wait to hear more about this new chapter in your life. It will certainly be something to look forward in this coming 8 months!

New year, …new beginnings!

2009-01-28T13:51:00.001-06:00

I have been gone for a long time. I was busy and for some reason I didn’t feel like posting, but I read all of your posts.

I have a lot of things to share. I believe this is going to be a long post. So please make yourself comfortable and here we go…

Our daughter just turned 9 months old. I really have no words to describe how much we are enjoying this parenting adventure. I never imagined it was going to be so much fun!
She is doing great, eating lots of solids and trying very hard to crawl. She has been on formula for some time now and the transition from beast milk to formula was really easy, she didn’t care at all.

The T is doing great!... He committed to loose weight 6 months ago and he is doing so well. On the other hand I am trying not to loose to much weight, actually trying to gain some.

I had a full check up last December and thankfully everything came back great. My thyroid is still a little under active, so I am taking my medication everyday and I felt pretty good until last week. I started having night sweats, and as I am tracking my cycles, I noticed no fertile cervical fluid at all and it just didn’t seem right. After I stopped lactating I was extremely happy to have my cycles back. I know this may seem odd to a lot of people, but I really was excited because I have had a very clear pattern of Pre.mat.ure O.va.rian Fai.lure before and back then I stopped cycling like that. My hormone levels were pretty much the ones a woman is supposed to have at me.no.pause. My ovaries were lazy enough to go on strike and it is really unpredictable if they were going to work again someday, or not. It seemed that my o.va.rian re.ser.ve was getting to its end and we had no kids…. And we wanted kids…. So this was not good….. at all!

….I went from one doctor to the next, and then to an endocrinologist and somehow, magically, after cutting back on exercise and incorporating extra supplements to my diet I started cycling again…and the cycles and my hormone levels totally reverted. They were as good as the ones of a healthy teenager. We and the doctors were happy, and even though it took several months, we took advantage of that great trend and got pregnant on our own. We all took a deep breath and the pregnancy was really uneventful until well, the very end when I had partial placental abruption and our daughter was born prematurely, in very difficult conditions. God decided she needed to stay a bit longer here on earth and she is still on “loan” with us, thankfully!

….Now, after 3 normal cycles post lactation, the night sweats and the lack of fer.tile cer.vi.cal flu.id made me suspect I had stopped cycling again and well, it was confirmed last Monday. My hormomes are once again in meno.pau.sal levels. I went to see my endocrinologist yesterday and she concurred, but considering I´ve just had 3 normal periods she believes I am not fu.lly me.no.pau.sal, but pe.ri. me.no.pau.sal. instead. We don´t know if this will be the end of my fer.ti.le stage of life, and the T and I really want to give a sibling to our daughter.

So, it seems we will be on one of those roller coaster rides in the months ahead. Yesterday, at my appointment with the endocrinologist, we called my OB, and they both concurred that, if we really want a biological sibling to our daughter, we can´t wait any longer. They suggest to go on a 3 month period of B..C..P.. and then an stimulation cycle with injections and most likely in.se.mi.na.tion.

The T didn´t have a chance to go with me to the appointment yesterday. We talked about all this at night and well, it is all happening too fast. It seems that we agreed to go ahead with this plan but we still have questions to discuss with our OB, hopefully the second week of next month. For now, I have started the B..C..P..

Oh my….. I can´t believe we are just about to embark on this journey, I hope and pray to have the strength to wake each day with a smile on my face, grateful for what I already have and finding peace with whatever the final outcome is!

Let's all welcome Baby Stellan!!!

2008-10-28T17:02:00.004-06:00

I have been following Mck Mama's blog for a while now and I am trully amazed by her strong faith, her incredible great sense of humor, her positive thinking and outstanding attitude through everyday life.

She is just an amazing woman who is 9 months pregnant. She and her jusband learned a few months ago that her baby had a congenital heart condition and will surely die. That was the doctors oppinion but as we know, in this life the last word belongs to no the doctors but to our Father. There are no impossibles and He is the one who has and will have the last word.

Baby Stellan's birthday is tomorrow and I will appreciate if you could have him and his family in your thoughts and prayers. So please, if you are a believer say a prayer, if you don't just do a chicken dance, a positive thought or just smile thinking about them.

Every little effort will surely help tons!

If you are a believer and you think you don't know how to pray, don't worry and be sure that God can hear even the most silent prayer attempt!

Is it time for an update???...

2008-10-02T11:49:00.003-05:00

….I guess it is!!!

We have been doing fine, our little girl is 5 months old and she is doing fine. Her 5 month-old doctor appointment went well. She is healthy, happy (at least it seems!), weighing 6.40 kg, measuring 62 cms.

I had heard that there is a set back on night feedings at 5 months and I believe she had it the last couple of weeks. She is not sleeping through the night yet. She had been doing just one midnight feeding between 3-4AM for a while but then she started waking up every 3 hours like a newborn!...At the beginning I thought of the set back I have heard and after a few days of the same thing I decided to change her day schedule to add one more feeding session during the day and so far it has been working. Still not sleeping through the night, but is back to her one midnight feeding... Oh well, let's see how it goes this coming week.

Then, the last week, I noticed I was having tons of what seems to be “f.e.r.t.i.l.e.” cer.vi.cal fluid for a few days and then more this week, so now I am thinking that maybe, just maybe, my ovaries are starting to wake up again -therefore I had a drop in my milk supply- and that is why my poor baby was hungrier during the night!....

I need to admit it, I am beyond excited to see if my body is really gearing up to start cycling again…. I know I sound crazy, but it really makes me happy, because I was preparing myself to the fact that I may never cycle again. I am grateful for what I have, and I keep praying to be able to see all the great things in my life and not let the sadness take over me if my cycles just never come back. Nothing is for sure now, I will need to wait and see what happens, but at least “something” is happening!

Sweet September!

2008-09-22T12:49:00.000-05:00

This month, one year ago, I found out we were pregnant. I will never, EVER forget that day. It was September 11. I know…., I know it is a horrible day for a lot of people, considering the 9/11 tragedy. For us, it will ALWAYS be THE DAY.

The T was flying out of the country that same day. I remember he wondered a LOT about flying on that date and finally decided to book it. It turned out great because he was going, literally, to the other side of the world, 24+ hours total travel time and the flights were, as you can imagine, ALMOST EMPTY.

I woke up thinking that, finally, after having been cycling again on my own, my ovaries had decided to go on strike one more time and that would be confirming the pre.ma.tu.re ova.rian fai.lu.re dx. I tested because the doctor wouldn’t give any meds to medically induce my pe.riod without discarding pregnancy. Can you imagine the crocodile tears flowing through my face as I saw 2 lines?

Yes, 2 very dark lines, right there

No squint needed

I couldn’t believe it!!!…

And I can’t believe one year has gone by already!!!… I miss my belly, a LOT!

On the nursing front, I’ve been having a hard time lately. With plugged ducts. Oh my, all was going great until about 2 weeks ago that I started to have plugged ducts and now it seems it has become a recurrent problem!!!… I get one every other day and to be honest, I am starting to get desperate. It is really uncomfortable and time consuming to be unplugging ducts so often! Please feel free to share any magic tricks or suggestions.

Miracles DO happen...

2008-09-04T13:01:00.005-05:00

… Yes, they do!

Today I am overwhelmed with joy and glory knowing what a great day it is for Trish, David and little munchkin Robbie!

After a long and painful battle with IF, Trish got pregnant from a clo.mid / I..U..I.. cycle back in December. The unimaginable, unthinkable happen and she got to see two beautiful pink lines in a cycle with only 4.5 million swimmers!…. Then things started to get tough as she developed Pre-Eclampsia and her extremely handsome, cute, adorable little boy was born the very last day of May.

Well, today September 4, after three long months in the NICU, Robbie is graduating from the hospital and tomorrow will sleep in his new home with St. Louis' proudest parents, on the very same day he was initially supposed to born, - his due date!

I am in tears, looking at the pictures Trish posted. It is like I am “living” again May 5th of this year, when our little princess came home.

Trish, I am extremely happy for all three of you…. And I guess, I don’t need to say it but be prepared because your story is just beginning, and the very best is yet to come as every day goes by!

...Finally, an update

2008-08-30T15:42:00.003-05:00

This blog is becoming sooooo boring, you don't need to tell me, I know!!!…

I am not being able to update as often as I would like because the days just fly, and between one thing and another I just don’t seem to find time to write.

But everything is doing fine so far!

I am very happy with my new work schedule, which is allowing me to be at home during afternoons. And also extremely happy because I hadn’t mentioned it before but we opened a new store 3 weeks ago, and it has been selling pretty good… Then we are remodeling a house because we are going to rent it and even though the major work had been already done, there were still a lot of details to finish… So, as you can imagine, between my job, the new store, the remodeling stuff, my daughter and my house I have been pretty busy,… But extremely happy!!!…

Our daughter had her 4-month doctor appointment and everything is fine. She weights 5.70 kg and measures 59 cm. Every day she is more fun because she is at this stage where she is discovering everything. We are really enjoying her.

On the nursing front, she has had a few days when she skips the midnight feeding but not too many. The doctor said she is now totally fine going through the night without that feeding and encourage me to try to wean her from it because otherwise it will become a habit and it will be very difficult to wean her latter. I had tried the last couple of nights but I’ve had no success whatsoever!!!…. I mean if the little girl is really hungry, there is nothing else I can do to calm her…. I could let her cry for a while and I guess she would fall back sleep but I am not able to do so, it is cruel!!!!…. I think she is now digesting my milk faster and that is the problem, so maybe if I give her the last feeding through a bottle a add a little cereal it will solve the problem, but I am not sure. I am just going to try to nurse her one more time before I go to bed at 11PM (even if she is sleeping) to see if this helps and if not I think am going to try the cereal….

Have a great weekend!!!

...I have a confession to make

2008-08-13T10:23:00.002-05:00

...Yes, I have a confession to make….

Every time I see a pregnant belly a huge smile is instantly draw on my face. I remember how I really enjoyed being pregnant, how much I loved it and it makes me want to be pregnant again NOW!!!…. And a lot of mixed feelings start to set in.

I feel happy and grateful for the opportunity I had, to experience pregnancy, and now motherhood.

But then, the curiosity takes over…

Curiosity about what is waiting for me in the future on the pregnancy-parenting front....

Curiosity about how my cycles are going to be, and, actually, if I will ever have a period again, in the first place!...

I am enjoying so much being a mother that I really would like to have more children and give our daughter a sibling, but the reality is that I don’t know how things are going to turn out. I am pretty conscious there is a chance our daughter will be our only child, and it always makes me remember THIS post I read from Sommer a while ago, about primary and secondary IF, and I understand clearly what she meant. I’ve never think that one is harder than another -I believe IF is IF and the pain is the same even if you are longing for your tenth child- but when I read that post I was child free and now I have a daughter. My feelings and thoughts about primary and secondary IF haven’t changed, but now I understand and get much more her feelings and comments about secondary IF.

…Then a little bit of sadness takes its place in my heart, realizing that pregnancy may be something I never get to experience again.

Don’t get me wrong; I am not trying to run without learning to walk first. I am enjoying our daughter a lot and I feel very fortunate to be able to live this experience and I trust there is already a plan for us -no matter what my feelings and thoughts are- and I trust that plan is the BEST for us and that is what I always end up thinking every time all this stuff is going through my mind - and it has been being a lot in my mind lately –

The reality is that never is 100% sure in this life, I don’t know what’s in store for me tomorrow, so for now I just pray and hope to be able to find peace and strength whatever the final outcome will be.

The reality is setting in - and it is not bad at all!

2008-08-08T10:04:00.002-05:00

This has been my second week back to work. And I am so, so happy to report that everything seems to be going great.

R is staying at home with her nanny during the mornings while I am at work and she is doing fine so far. I am pumping once at work and save it for the next day when R gets her middle morning feed, and I continue to nurse her the rest of the day. My day looks something like this:

4.00 AM Nurse R her first feeding of the day, get her back to sleep
7.00 AM Nurse R, then she stays up playing
7.30 AM Get ready for work
8.30 – 2.00 PM Work at the office (one pumping session at around 11)
2.00 PM Go back home, eat lunch
3.00 PM Nurse R
3.30 PM – 6.30PM Work from home
6.30 PM Nurse R
7.00 PM Playtime – I sing to her, dance with her, we go for a walk, etc….
7.30 PM Grocery shopping, dry cleaning, etc – I take R with me most of the times
8.30 PM R bath time
9.00 PM Nurse R
9.30 PM R goes to sleep

It is not bad at all. Really. And I am very fortunate to have this kind of flexibility at work. Plus, I have find R very happy every day when I come back home. She is either playing or taking a nap.

I must confess – I still have this guilt feeling about leaving her – and it is not going away. I guess is normal and I don’t think I am being a bad mother, I just feel guilty, but then realize there is no guilt if she is doing fine, it is not like she is being all miserable when I am away and that is what keeps me going every day, trying to find a nice balance between work and parenting!

Back to reality...

2008-07-29T13:54:00.001-05:00

As of today I am back to work….

Honestly, I didn’t know what to do…. My first thoughts were that if we could afford it, I should stay at home, but then there is this other side of me telling that there is nothing wrong to keep working, at least part time to keep “connected” some how with the work environment…

My father died when I was four and my mom was a SAHM up until he died. It was very difficult for her to get a job so she could provide for my brother and me. There was always food on our table, and clothes to wear, but things were difficult, on the economic part. I believe it has had an impact on me and, there is always this memory coming back and that is why I want to keep working. I guess it gives me some kind of “security” to know that I am able to earn my own salary and provide for our daughter if I need to.

…It was difficult to leave her in the morning, I hope it will get easier.

Let’s see how this works out!

Dr. Appointment - 3 months

2008-07-17T18:32:00.004-05:00

We were supposed to go to our daughter's 3 month Dr. Appointment next week, on the 23rd, but they called last Tuesday to reschedule it to yesterday, so yesterday we went!

This time, she didn't get any immunization shots, which I am sure she was happy about!!!... She did get weighed and measured. One week shy of being 3 months old she weights 5.100 kg (11lb 4oz) and measures 57.5cm (22.637 in).

She had an electrocardiogram performed. It seems normal practice, at this dorctor's office, to have it done at 3 months to rule out any congenital issues. I hope the results come back OK.

I believe I hadn't mentioned before, but she had a blocked tear duct and the doctor prescribed some drops to apply 3 times a day before giving massage to the area. I had been doing the massages since I noticed about the tear duct but didn't see any change, but the drops did help - no more blocked tear duct!

On a different subject, I was a little bit concerned because she had been having about 5 bowel movements per day and 2 weeks ago they decreased to one every 48 hrs or so. The doctor said it was OK - She is just having breastmilk, no formula as I my milk supply has been enough to satisfy her needs up until now, so there haven't been any change on the feeding side that could have made a difference.... If any of my experienced moms out there have any comments about this issue I will really appreciate them.

Overall, we are both doing fine, she is just my "everything" and melts my heart everyday. She is starting to discover that her arms and hands are actually hers, so it is funny to look at her crossed eyes staring at her fists.... I love her!

Have a great weekened!

...The decision making process

2008-07-10T17:45:00.001-05:00

I still have about two more weeks of maternity leave….
…and I am happy about it!!!….

I have been thinking a lot about what to do once it is over. The first option is to go back to work full time….Before IF and all what happened, I believe I would have do it without question. Then, there is always the possibility of not returning to work at all and become a stay at home mom. I could find something else to do on my own, without schedules to comply with, and I believe we could afford it,… but an extra income is always welcome, you know…. and even more when we have a school loan to pay back, in USD,….. and well, I am fortunate enough to earn my salary in USD actually, without leaving in the US…. That is a huge relief, because if there is any major change in the exchange rate it wouldn’t affect us and/or increase our debt.

….Buuuuut, to keep having that “relief” I must continue working, I assume so!… I have a great relationship with both of my bosses but not to the extent of getting paid without doing nothing!!

….And there is plan C also, which would be working part time. Going to the office during the mornings and stay at home during the afternoons.

I went to talk to my boss about it last week and he is practically OK with whatever we decide to do. It is greally great to know that he is so supportive and that there are other options open besides the full time one…

Ohhhh well, I guess we have to decide soon!!!

A new life - A new person...

2008-07-01T12:11:00.002-05:00

I had an endocrinologist’s appointment about two weeks ago, to check up my thyroid levels. I was in the waiting room and a few minutes later the doctor came out of her office and came into the waiting room and as soon as she saw me, she goes like:

“ ….So your girl and you are the miracles of the 23rd?”… Come in; let’s see how are you doing…

Once in her office she told me she was shocked when she knew about my emergency (because it had been a great pregnancy with no issues or complications AT ALL) but even more in shock to knew that our daughter is, first of all, alive, and that she recovered the way she did. She told me that it was truly a miracle considering my placental abruption’s high grade and therefore all the lost blood.

….Then the first time we saw the pediatrician in his office he also told us to consider ourselves very fortunate because it really wasn’t common to have the outcome we had, considering the circumstances….

WOW, it really gives me chills everytime I think about it and I really have no words to express how grateful I feel.

When I was first diagnosed I had my first meeting with IF world and I was changed,

….then we got pregnant on our own, surprisingly, and my life took a new path….

….then, after 8 months of an incredible pregnancy I had an extreme emergency and survived, with the best possible outcome….. That, that gave me a new life and made me a new person ....

… A woman with the most beautiful scar on her tummy, to always remember the presence of God in her life.

A half-fixed computer and the update...

2008-06-26T13:50:00.002-05:00

I've got my computer back... it isn't totally fixed, it seems it is more expensive to fix it than to buy a new one, so I believe I will be asking for a replace. Hopefully this one won't crash again before getting the new one...

OK, on to better things,.... the update.... and some pics!

On Friday May 23rd our daughter had her 1st month check-up with her doctor and I am extremely happy to report that she is doing great. They gave us the blood work results of a test they perform to look for over 60 congenital illnesses and everything was normal. I was curious to see how her thyroid results were, considering I have hypothyroidism, but hers seem normal, at least up until now.

Then, last Monday June 23rd, she had her 2nd month check-up, and everything looked fine so far. She is gaining cheeks, - perdon, weight so it seems that my milk is doing what it is supposed to.

It amazes me how fast she is growing!!!… I believe she doesn’t look like a newborn anymore. It is really incredible how much she changes every day. These are her weights and heights:

Apr 23rd : Birthday - 2.820 kg (6lb 3oz) - 48cm (18.9in)
May 9th : 16 days - 3.100 kg (6lb 13 oz) - 50cm (19.7in)
May 23rd : 1 month - 3.550 kg (7lb 13 oz) - 51.5cm (20.28in)

June 23rd : 2 months - 4.515 kg (9lb 15 oz) - 53cm (20.86in)

On the feeding side, this week she is starting to sleep through the night, or at least she has done so for the last couple of nights. She is starting to smile sometimes when we talk to her..... My heart melts and I can't wait to see her interact more..... the fun is just starting and the best is yet to come!

I finally found the cable to download the pictures, here are a few of them. They will not be here forever, I will remove them later but for now....ENJOY!

One day old, this was the day I got to see her for the first time. She was placed under the CPAP respirator....

Three days old, got intubated and was placed placed under the ventilator that also helped to give her shots to help her lungs mature...

YAYYYY..... ventilator free!!!....

One of the lasts days in the NICU. She was using an open bassinet and was already nursing, almost ready to come home!...

5 weeks old and cross-eyed!

I can't wait to catch up with your blogs, I have missed so much!!!

Still alive....

2008-06-21T13:45:00.003-05:00

Yes, I am still alive....
.....with a crashed computer!!!....

That's why I haven't been updating and I haven't had a chance to follow your blogs this past 2 weeks. Hopefully I will have my computer back next week, for now I am using T-Boy's laptop but I don't get that much time because he uses it a lot for work, weekends included.....

Ok, for now I just wanted to report that we are doing fine, I am still on maternity leave enjoying every minute spent with our daughter who, as you can imagine, is growing very fast, working every day in doing an extra effort to make her cheeks bigger!

Dear Daughter

2008-05-28T13:55:00.001-05:00

I close my eyes and I still have chills remembering your birthday. It has been a little over a month already and it seems like yesterday.

Time goes by so fast and we can’t stop it. I believe that is one of the most important lessons you will learn in life. I know each day is unique and won’t come back so I promise I will treasure every moment we get to spend together.

Now, I must tell you, I am certainly not a guru and I am sure there will be times when I will not have an answer to your questions, but you can be sure I will do my best so we can both learn.

I have been dreaming about you for a long time now. Yes, I thought and dreamed about you a lot, and actually I wasn’t sure if the time to hold you in my arms will come, but I kept dreaming, praying and hoping…. It was tough, and while I wanted so badly to have you, at the same time I knew that maybe it was something not meant to be for me. That is one more thing you will learn. In this world, there are times when we can’t have all we want, we can work hard but there are factors beyond human reasoning and understanding that also play their role and we must accept it. So I did, and I prayed just to have the strength to overcome whatever was planned and hoped for the best.

Hope has always my best companion and it all has finally paid off because suddenly, you have become part of my life. I don’t want to lead yours, or influence it with my own fears and expectations. I just want to be there with you, every time you need me, offering my hands and my heart, so you can learn to build your own path at your own pace!

The sign

2008-05-22T18:25:00.004-05:00

I have always believed that things happen for a reason. Sometimes it is difficult to realize it as we have many why’s with no apparent answer…. We can’t, and most likely we will never find an answer but there is one…

On April 23rd, just after our daughter was born my OB/GYN was closing my incision and I heard him asked one of his assistants to call his office and tell the nurse to reschedule his afternoon’s appointments as he had a mass service to attend. As I heard him, I realized that day was the first month’s anniversary of his daughter trip to heaven and I felt bad…. It must have been a very difficult day, emotionally, for him and his family, and there he was, attending my emergency.

If you remember, I shared with you in one of my March’s posts that I felt heart broken for him and his family when I knew about the accident …. Off course I didn’t choose to have an emergency on the same day, one month later,… it wasn’t my fault, but I felt bad that it happened exactly on the same day.

The day after my c-section, when he came into our hospital room to see how I was doing and how my incision was healing, I took the chance to tell him again how we really appreciated his support and the way he handled things as we knew it must have been a very difficult day for him and his family.

He stared back at us with a smile…. Then he told us that he usually don’t pay attention to dates and that it doesn’t matter if it was the first month anniversary or not, he has obviously bad days and better days, no matter what, emotionally….. and while he doesn’t pay too much attention to dates, sometimes things happen to make him do so…

….Now, that he has a girl in heaven, he told us he has someone else to pray to besides God and that the day of my emergency he thought of her and he was amazed when the nurse said the time when our daughter was born, it was exactly the same time when her daughter went to heaven a month earlier…. Moreover, orange was the favorite color of her daughter and in the NICU our daughter got the orange room....

The more I think about it, the more I convince myself that it was a sign that she wanted to send to her family, to let them know that she is indeed leaving happily in heaven because her mission with us had been fulfilled and it was about time to start taking care of an even greater mission, way beyond human reasoning and understanding.

My life these days!

2008-05-21T16:50:00.002-05:00

Since my emergency took us all by surprise and these days are really hectic at the office with 2 big projects, I am working from home. I spend my days trying to find a nice balance between taking care of our little girl, nursing and/or pumping and keeping up with what’s going on at the office. As you can imagine, it may take me a while to type the logs I have in paper about R’s daily progress while she was in the NICU, so for now I just want to let you know that she was released from the hospital on Monday May 5th 2008.

I just can’t find words to express how emotional that day were for us. We were extremely happy to be fortunate enough to be leaving the hospital with our little girl in our arms and there were a lot of tears shed as we left the NICU. The T and I cried, laughed and we hugged each other for a while. I can't really explain how many things went through my mind in that moment, it was a very special experience...

It surely was the most emotional day of our lives...

The dream we had hope for so long, and once thought almost impossible, was fulfilled…

….it was reality!

Today it’s been 4 weeks since she was born and we are doing great. She is really a little angel and I believe we are both learning together. She is not cranky at all, usually when she cries is because either she’s hungry, wet or want to pass some gas that is disturbing her. I am really enjoying every minute we spent together…… I could be staring at her eyes forever… it is an amazing feeling!

On the feeding side, I am breastfeeding her and so far, so good. While she was at the NICU I pumped and once the doctors let me I started to nurse her while still at the hospital and I have continued at home. I believe my milk supply is OK and I hope to keep breastfeeding at least for the first 6 months.

On a different note, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight since the first week after delivery and I am NOT proud of it because I am on the skinny side and I was hoping to keep a few extra pounds!!!… I am very concerned actually because I really want to be healthy so I have already started getting daily supplements. I haven’t gained any extra pounds but at least I am not loosing more. I have an appointment with my OB/GYN next week and one more with my endocrinologist the week after. Let’s see what they think about it. For now I am doing my best to eat well and healthy, and I will stay on the supplements.

I’ve been trying to download the pictures from my camera so I can share a few but I haven’t been successful…. But I promise I will post a few as soon as I am able to do so.

I hope you all have a great week and thank you, thank you again for being here!

My first blogging award!

2008-05-18T18:40:00.003-05:00

I must admit I do not consider myself a great blogger!!!….

I just get too busy with my day to day life that sometimes is hard to find the time to come, write and share my feelings. And I know I am wrong because it really helps me a lot because through blogging I have been able to feel relieved and grow-up as a person not only as I write but also as I read your stories .... and I hope you can learn at least a “little” from what I write.

As Kathy, I met the blogging world through Sommer's. I haven’t had the honor to meet her in person but I found her blog shortly after I was first diagnosed with P..O..F.. At that time she was already pregnant with her twins and I remember how I felt inspired by her story. I enjoyed reading her updates, hoping to someday be in the same place she was, enjoying pregnancy after a long IF road….

Through Sommer’s I found Kathy’s blog. As soon as I started to read her I felt a strong connection and as I read more, the more I learned from her. She is such a great woman and has a great attitude towards life that it is hard not to feel comforted with her feelings and thoughts!

Today, I feel honored because despite not considering myself a good blogging buddy, I received my first blogging award from Kathy.

Kathy, I want to thank you very much not only for being who you are and for being always here to support us, but also for letting me be part of your blogging world by reading and sharing yours.

Now, it is my time to pass on this award. It is hard because most of you have already been awarded ….. But this time and I am thrilled to give it to Tina!

Tina, is a fellow blogger that found me and has been following our story, always supporting us. She also has suffered from primary IF and is now happily pregnant with twins.

Well, last but not least thank you all for being here, thank you for taking the time to visit and leave your comments….. I really appreciate it and with every comment you can be sure you make my days go easy!

The Birth Story...

2008-05-16T11:32:00.004-05:00

Thanks again for your comments and for keep coming even though I haven't been updating often. It is hard to find time these days but be sure that I will post every detail.... and I assume I must start with the whole birth story, so here it is....

Wednesday April 23rd, 2008

It was a beautiful sunny morning. I felt pretty good, just a little bit more tired and “heavy” than usual but nothing to be concerned about. I took a nice shower and my day started. There were 2 big projects on their crucial time at the office, so the days were just flying…

The morning went by fairly quick. It was lunchtime already and as I was trying to adjust the back of my chair when I felt a warm gush….

…and it wasn’t a little….

…It was a lot!

I was wearing navy blue pants and my chair is black so I couldn’t see any color. At the beginning I thought that my water had broke. 3 of my coworkers were there and I told them as I sat down again to call my OB/GYN. I told to the nurse, his assistant and was instructed to go straight to the ER, my OB would be there to check things up. I call the T to let him know what was happening and he was going to pick me up at my office. I started to gather my things and as I stood up again the flow just started running by my legs and in a few seconds my sandals were soaked….

Soaked in bright red blood…. It wasn’t my water!

I sat down again and call my OB one more time, I told the nurse it wasn’t my water and she told me to go to the ER immediately. I called the T again and told him to meet me in the ER, I couldn’t wait for him to come and pick me up. One of the drivers at my office was driving me, so we didn’t take too much time. 2 of my coworkers came also. I was panicked but I knew that my baby girl was having a tough time with all the blood I was loosing and being stressed would just make things worst for her as she would feel it so I managed to stay calm.

Thank God there was no traffic jam!… My office is very close to the hospital, so the ride was actually fairly quick. As I arrived I told them what was happening and they rushed me to the L&D floor where they took off my clothes and wanted to put a pad to help with the flow. I laughed at the nurse and told her that it was useless, the flow was so intense that they will need several blankets to really help!…. By that time my OB arrived; he just saw the amount of blood in the bed and was shocked. He hold my hands, looked me straight in the eyes and told me it was just too much blood and that we had no time to start checking what was causing it…. Our little girl needed to be out as soon as possible and that meant an emergency c-section. My only words were I trust you – I am fine, I feel fine, please take care of my little girl. As soon as I finished that sentence everybody started running and in no time I was already on my way to the operating room.

In the OR they started to prep me and when they were just about to start to give the anaesthesia I told my OB to please send someone to look for the T (as I hadn’t seen him) and explain to him what was happening… He told me not to worry, he had already spoke to the T and he was just outside the OR and that because it was an emergency operation he couldn’t come in but he will be waiting outside. I felt relieved and told them that I was ready and they started.
It took just a few minutes to start to feel the effects of the local anaesthesia. My legs felt very heavy and warm as I was listening to what the doctors were saying and I felt there was a lot of tension in the room.

A few minutes later, at 2.10 PM, our daughter R was born and the only thing I was asking and praying for at that time was to hear her cry and I did. It was the most wonderful sound I had never heard. I was pretty conscious that it didn’t mean everything was going to turned out OK, but at least it was a “little” light in the tunnel!

I didn’t get to see her right after she was born. The doctors worked with her right since her first minute and rushed her to the NICU to evaluate her and also to give her a blood transfusion because she was having a crisis due to the lost blood. It turned out the bleeding was caused by a partial placental abruption (about 30%) and therefore our daughter suffered from the lack of flow and oxygen, besides the respiratory problems due to her immature lungs.

At that point, I knew we were a step forward on what I hoped and prayed to be our way o recovery!

PS. I will write my log about R progress in the NICU in a separate post.

On our way to recovery...

2008-05-01T21:00:00.004-05:00

First of all, thank you so much for your comments and support, it really means a lot to us.

I am extremely happy to report that we are recovering and everything seems to be going on the right track.

I am having an extremely fast recovery from my c-section. A lot of people had told me they are impressed at how well I am doing.... Well, I believe having my little girl in the NICU has given me the strength and the energy to speed up my recovery process because I know she needs me.

R is doing great also. When she was born she was placed under respiratory treatment to help her breathe. It has been a process with a lot of different kinds of ventilators, from the more sofisticated that did the whole job for her, and also supplied steroids to accelerate her lungs development, to the simpler ones. Thankfuly since yesterday she is breathing on her own and so far she has been doing great.

She had already started getting my milk through a feeding tube that goes directly into her stomach and it seems that she is tolerating it really well. They started her on 3 ml, then 6 ml, then 9 ml and today she had 30 ml each fed. For tomorrow the plan is to increase it to 50 ml.

On the weight side, she lost 200 gr but she is now gaining again. Today her weight was 2680 gr.

I promise to post a few pictures soon.

Have a great weekend!

Headline News

2008-04-29T02:51:00.003-05:00

I have been MIA for a while now.... Well I am not a daily poster but this time I have news....

BIG NEWS

Our baby daughter R, was born last Wednesday Apr 23th at 2.10pm, through an emergency c-section, at 35 weeks and 4 days gestational age.

Like the doctors anticipated, she is a big girl, she weighed 2.820kg (6lb 3 oz) and measured 47cm (18.5in).

It was a really BIG BIG BIG SCARE, there was no warning at all, I just started bleeding like an open faucet, everything happened just too fast and thankfully we and the doctors were able to respond quickly.

It's 3AM and I don't have too much time to go into details but I will post the whole birth story as soon as I can.

For now, I am recovering extremely fast and R is in the NICU getting the treatment needed to help her lungs mature. She is my little fighter and has been doing an outstanding job!

SPECIAL REQUEST - Love a friend

2008-04-17T10:15:00.004-05:00

Today is going to be a hard and difficult day for Kathy and her family. I continue to be amazed by their courage and strength, she and her family are truly outstanding people.

Please have them in your thoughts and prayers and if you feel up to it, leave a support message on Kathy's Blog. I am sure it will help her feel how loved and cared about they are during this difficult days.

Hug a friend

2008-04-10T13:34:00.007-05:00

My heart breaks for Kathy, little princess Molly Marie and their family as they are going through a very difficult moment in their lives.

Please have them in your thoughts and prayers. May God grants them serenity, strength and hope.

A huge hug for each of you Kathy.

50 days to go

2008-04-04T16:27:00.003-06:00

Thank you for your comments to my last post. I know I should enjoy “my moment” and that is what I try to do every day.... but it doesn't keep me from feeling sad when I realize there are a lot of you who are suffering and going through difficult times.

On an update note, I had a follow up appointment today.

Considering the situation I truly believed that I would not se my OB/GYN this time, I was sure that he would have found someone to take over for a few weeks….

Well, I was wrong!

I was surprised to found out that he was indeed there, and he was the one who reviewed me today.

I really admire him...

We went through a few questions I had about cord blood banking and other stuff and then he performed an u/s. Everything seems to be right on track, I am 32 weeks and 6 days today, I have gained about 8 kg (18 lb) and our little girl is measuring about 10 days ahead. Her estimated weigh was about 2.28 kg (5 lb) but the doctor didn’t change my due date. He said that definitely she is a little above the average but that in development she was right on track and that is why he wasn’t adjusting my due date.

The nursery is almost done, we are just waiting to receive a few pieces of furniture and I hope we will get them next week. Once it is ready I will post a few pics.

Today, we are 50 days away from our due date, and without a doubt, the past 230 days have been the happiest days of my entire life!

The things that get through my mind these days...

2008-03-31T12:23:00.001-06:00

I know I have been MIA lately, if you haven’t read the 2 posts from last Friday, go ahead and read them, those will give you a little recap.

Things haven been busy but we are all fine. I can’t really complain. These last few weeks have been sad. I am so touched by Kathy’s news and the news of the daughter of my OB/GYN. It really keeps me wondering about how “unfair” things are sometimes….

… And while I feel so happy that everything seems to be going OK with our little girl, and us, there are moments where I have mixed feelings about it and feel bad. I feel bad because I know about the struggles some of you have been experiencing and a lot of questions start to wonder around me, ….

Who I am to deserve this???…

….And then I really don’t feel like posting because I don’t want to hurt any of you going through difficult times.

I am a truly believer that when one door closes another one opens, I’ve been through difficult times also and that is what keeps me going when everything seems to be upside down.

I am sure that if God created shadows, it was because He wanted us to appreciate the beauty of light…. His desires most of the times can’t be understood, they just need to be accepted.

4d u/s

2008-03-28T18:43:00.010-06:00

Hey, I am so happy that my format bar is back!!!... Somehow I had lost it and I hadn't been able to add links or pics because I am bad with the code thing!

Well, I will take advantage and post a few pics of the 4d u/s we had. They are 3d pictures and we got a video where you can see her move in 3d. Movement is supposed to be the fourth dimension.

It was done on March 3rd....

On that day our little girl was 28 weeks and 2 days...

Her heart rate was 152 bpm...

Her estimated weight was 1255 gr...

Here is a picture of the report:

Here are a few pics of her face:

And here is a pic from her torso viewed from the back, you can see her belly, a part of her left arm and cheek...

Our doctor was very happy with the definition we were able to get in this pictures. I don't have anything to compare them but I was very pleased with the results!

Still Here!

2008-03-28T18:37:00.003-06:00

I’ve been MIA for a while....

Lot’s of things going on around this corner of the planet!

The city where I live is totally surrounded by mountains, so when we get hurricanes usually they do debilitate a lot because of the mountains and what we experience is just something like a thunderstorm. Well, last Tuesday several factors got together at the same time and we got what was rated like a category 3 hurricane winds. The city is not prepared for it and as you can imagine it was chaotic.

Thankfully our house didn’t have any damage, but 2 of the stores did have broken windows and damage on the front. Everything is getting fixed but it was really scary. The T was still out of town and he was very concerned about it because apparently we were on the news everywhere and by coincidence he did manage to see part of the damage in one of the stores in a picture posted online in one of our local newspapers. He called me, I was at home at that time with my MIL as my FIL instructed us to stay there and don’t go anywhere because the streets were not safe, there were flying objects all over.

Then, this past Sunday, Easter Sunday, my OB/GYN and his wife lost one of their daughters. She was a 12-year-old twin who had Down syndrome with congenital heart failure. She was a fighter and changed the life of many people touching hearts. May she RIP and gave strength to her family to keep on working for families experiencing Down syndrome closely, as they have been doing. Their job in this manner is really remarkable.

I did manage to keep an eye on you blogs and I must say that my heart is broken for Kathy Kand her family. Kathy, you are an outstanding woman, I really admire you!

Have a great weekend!

P.S. I've just realized that my format buttons are back!!!... I will try to post pics from the 4d u/s.

Happy Birthday Santiago!

2008-03-13T09:06:00.000-06:00

Last night one of my closest friends gave birth to her 3rd. child, a beautiful boy whose name will be Santiago.

Her actual due date was March 27 and then as the pregnancy progressed the doctor changed the due date to March 21. I talked to her yesterday and she was as happy as can be, doing shopping with her mom. She told me that her doctor had told her on Monday that the baby was still way up and that most likely they will need to induce her labor because the baby was not showing any improvements in dropping.

Well, last night the T sent me a message to my cel, with a baby picture saying it was the baby of my friend ans that he has just gotten that pic from my friend's husband.

Off course I thought it was a joke. It couldn't be true as I had just talked to her a few hours ago, she was doing shopping and she had told me how were things going. Well, it was true and it really happened fast. I haven't been able to talk to her, but I spoke to her mom. As I understood, after shopping she started to feel a little unconfortable as she was having more contractions than usual.... and this time they were the real thing and labor was starting!... I don't know all the details yet, but even though her 2 previous deliveries had been vaginally and this baby was head down, it ended up being a c-section delivery. Both mommy and baby are doing fine!

Happy Birthday Santiago!

In my 3rd trimester already, how did it happen???

2008-03-12T09:47:00.000-06:00

I just can't believe I am starting the third trimester, I feel happy yes, but besides happy I feel very grateful for each day that goes by.

I haven’t been able to have the format buttons back, and I know nothing about doing it with the codes!!!…. I hope I can get it fixed so I can post the pics and the video from the 4D ultrasound. The doctor was very pleased with everything and told us that we were lucky because usually it is very difficult to get that kind of definition. Actually we joked and we gave him permission to use the pics and the video for marketing purposes if he wanted.

The T is traveling again. He left last Saturday and won’t be back until the end of the month. He really didn’t want to go this time but it was a business trip and there was no way he could postpone it, so off he went. When he is packing we joke and I always ask where is my spot on the suitcase, well this time he told me to please don’t joke because he really was feeling bad about leaving.

This weekend was clean-up weekend!!!… We have a second bedroom in our house that we use a guest bedroom. It is fully furnished and has a walk-in closet. One side of the closet and the drawers of the bases of the 2 twin beds were full of stuff. So I went through it and separate what we are getting rid of and organize the rest. Now I need to do the same thing in a closet we have on the third floor to make some room and finally leave the guest bedroom clean because it will be the nursery. My M.I.L. is helping me to work on the “transformation” of the room. Let’s see how everything turns out!!…

Posting troubles!

2008-03-05T09:24:00.002-06:00

I am having trouble posting lately!!!...

I can post all the wording but I can't post pictures or insert links to other pages. Usually in my posting page was like a task bar on top with the icons to insert pages, add pictures, etc. but now it is gone!!!... I've been trying to figure how to have it back but I haven't been able to do so.

If you know how to do it please let me know!!!

Let the fun begin!!!

2008-03-03T14:02:00.000-06:00

Our weekend was very fun and busy…. We finally started to do all the shopping for our girl!!!…

It really was an experience…. I had a list that a good friend had sent me, so we used it as a guide and marked what we really needed and left out those things that are more on the “extra stuff” side.

I love a store that you guys have in the US and they have also outlet stores, so we usually go to the outlet and sometimes we have found good affordable deals… The regular prices at their store are just too high IMHO!!!…. So this time was no exception, we went to the outlet and much to our surprise we found the crib, window treatments and the bedding 50% off the outlet price, so we are all set with that!

We also bought most of the “little things”, so sure got a lot of the shopping done. There is still more shopping to do but I believe this was a very good start. We are having trouble deciding on the stroller and the car seat, because I like the modern, more “sporty” models but they are very expensive and I am not sure it is worth it….

I hope you all had a great weekend!

Meet the girl!

2008-02-22T09:17:00.004-06:00

I haven't posted any pictures of our baby girl yet and I've decided it is about time!

Here she is:

This is one of the pics we got from the last u/s...

It is a profile view, you will see the face on the left (forehead, nose, open mouth and chin) then the chest. Above the forehead you can see her curved left hand palm (the whiter spots are her fingers).

She was 26w and 2 days on that picture and weighed about 1.022 kg (2lbs and 4 oz)

As part of my genetic u/s package, the specialist gave us a free 4D u/s. We have scheduled the appointment during week 28, so I will sure post more pics after that. Hopefully our little girl will cooperate and we will have great pics.

Everything went OK at my follow-up appointment with the endocrinologist last Wednesday. My blood work results showed that my TSH is a little bit over suppressed, and I haven't had that on the previous results, but she wasn't concerned because my T3 and T4 hormone values where on the normal range for pregnancy. That means I will continue on the same dose of the meds and we will see how I am doing in 4 more weeks.

On a request note, please have Kathy and her family on your toughts and prayers, as we all hope the meds help her and Molly to keep on going strong!

Enjoy the weekend!

HAPPY BELATED VALENTINE'S!!!

2008-02-20T10:34:00.004-06:00

I didn't have a chance to post last week, but I hope you all had a great Valentine's day!!!

The T attends a trade show mid February of every year, so we are never together to celebrate... But hey, this year I was fortunate enough to have my little girl with me, what else can I have asked for???

Nothing....

Really.....

I had the 2nd part of the genetic u/s last Monday and it was great. The baby cooperated a lot and we had a lot of great views.

The most important thing is that everything seems to be going right on track. The baby weight and measured average or slightly above average on all the things they look into, which are a lot, so we are very happy about it.

So far, I have only gained about 10 pounds, which did seem below the low end to me. I was concerned about it but the dr. assured us that if I am eating well, the baby is growing and developing as she should, and my blood work shows everything is OK, there is no reason to be concerned about weight gain.

I have another follow-up appointment with the endocrinologist today to check up my thyroid levels. Hopefully the results will come back OK and I won’t need to increase the meds dose.

Last Monday at our appointment, when the doctor was performing the u/s, I asked him if the baby was still a girl…. He laughed at me and asked back if I didn’t believe him last time…. I replied that I did but I wanted to be sure to start doing all the shopping!!!… He was surprised that we haven’t started yet!!!… But yes, it is true and I know it sounds odd.

As strange as it may sound, I am not a shopping girl. I grew up in a very modest family and the income wasn’t extraordinary, actually it was on the low side. There was no excess at all. It was kind of hard when I was a kid, but then Thank God, as the time passed and I grew up I understood that true confidence building didn’t rely on what you have as much as on what you do and are as a person. Now things are way much better financially, both the T and I work very hard and are lucky enough to have great jobs with good salaries, but that hasn’t changed our mind regarding our expense style. We are savers and so far that life style has worked out great and it has given us the opportunity to invest, which is great.

Regarding the baby stuff, I know there are things we do need to get, but hey, being realistic the actual needs for the first few months aren’t that many. So we will get the basics, and as the time goes on we will see how it goes.

Have a great week!

We are here!

2008-02-12T13:13:00.000-06:00

I had my OB appointment last Thursday. Everything went really well and I am so happy about it!

We had time to go over the results of the genetic u/s and then the blood work. He was amazed at how well things look and how well I’ve been feeling. Actually I am also surprised that literally I’ve had NO SYMPTOMS whatsoever. I didn’t have m/s, no cramps, no sore breasts, no heartburn, no swelling, n.o.t.h.i.n.g. This is just heaven!
He laughed when I told him I could be p.r.e.g.g.o for the rest of my life!….

I feel very grateful for every day of this pregnancy. I am doing an extra effort to enjoy every single minute. I feel that is the way it should be and well, also because, it may be the one and only pregnancy I get to experience. IF has taught me that!!!….

When I first was diagnosed with P.O.F. I discovered a whole new world, the IF world, and my life changed forever…. Then when we saw the specialist for a second opinion, we really didn’t know how or why but I started to cycle again on my own. More tests were performed and the specialist opinion was that the diagnosis was wrong…. Everything looked normal, the results were OK…. But, there have been many, many cases of P.O.F. like mine. The cycles stop and start without any reason or warning, and in a lot of cases just never come back after a pregnancy.

That’s my reality….
That’s the reason I feel so grateful and every single day….
That’s why I am in love with my belly…

It is a gift and a dream, I thought I may never have, but miracles do happen and all I can do is ENJOY IT!

The Big Milestone - 24 weeks

2008-02-05T12:21:00.000-06:00

It’s been a week since we came back and I believe I am finally jet-lag free…. There was a 14-hour difference so it was bad for 4 days and then it started to get better each day. Last night I slept pretty good and I didn’t have any insomnia at all, so I hope it is over and I am beginning to be right on track again.

I went to the lab on Saturday to get all of the blood work done. The results are back and while they are not perfect, they seem OK to me. I have a follow up appointment with my OB this Thursday, so hopefully he will agree.

I have been very emotional for the past few weeks. I am fine, I feel fine, but then I read or hear something that touches my heart and tears just start to flow like a river…. I guess it is due to the cocktail of hormones flowing through my body.

We are 24 weeks already, twenty-four. This is a BIG milestone for us, we feel so grateful.
I can’t describe how madly in love we are with our little girl!

On a different note: This weekend was very sad. I have been following ME's blog for a while now and my eyes just couldn't believe as I read the news. She and her husband are going through very difficult times after a painful long struggle with primary IF. Please have them and their families in your thoughts and prayers.

Home sweet home

2008-01-30T10:27:00.000-06:00

We are back…..

Back home and back to our day-to-day routine again!

We got home last night after almost 30 hours of total travel time in planes and airports. I am so glad we had the opportunity to do this trip.

We had a great time, we really enjoyed every minute and everything was great, I felt great during the whole trip and I am so glad because I was afraid that it was a little too much and I didn’t want to over do it.

Because of the extreme time changes I think I am going to be jet lagged for about a week, but anyway, it will pass sooner or later.

I have an order for a set of blood tests to be done this weekend, nothing out of the ordinary, just a general check up, the glucose test and my thyroid levels to see if everything looks good. Hopefully all will be OK, let’s see.

I can’t wait to catch up with all of your blogs!

Wow... I can hardly believe it!

2008-01-11T08:57:00.000-06:00

Your Pregnancy Calendar

Today is Friday January 11th 2008
You conceived on Saturday September 1st 2007 and your due date is Saturday May 24th 2008.
132 days have passed since the conception, and you are 134 days before your due date.
You are 20 weeks into your pregnancy, and you have 20 weeks to go.
You are in the 2nd trimester.
50% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 50% left to go

It feels surreal.... just 4 more weeks to reach 24 weeks - viability milestone!

Happy new year!

2008-01-10T19:17:00.000-06:00

This is going to be a quick post!!!

I haven’t been updating much because the end of last year and the beginning of this year haven been very busy, both at the stores and at my office… By the end of the year there were also lots of things that needed to be done to close the year and then I have been rushing this past 2 weeks because we are going on vacation!!!!…

Yes…. The trip is part of the Christmas present we got from the in laws. They invited us to go on vacation from this coming Saturday until the end of the month. We use to do a lot of family traveling and, well, since we are not going to be able to travel to far away once I am I the third trimester they decided to do the last long trip together before our little girl arrives.

I am still feeling pretty good, and I am really enjoying it. Besides the growing belly, and off course no AF, I have no other symptoms. I believe that being really busy all day has helped a lot. As I said to my doctors: There is no way I can allow myself to feel bad or get sick because I have lots of things to do everyday and therefore I am very active all day long…

There are more things that I want to share but I have no time now…. I promise to update when I get back.

Happy 2008!!... I hope you all have a great year!!

Prayer requests!

2007-12-28T13:08:00.000-06:00

Today is a big day for Trish, she is having her beta today and we are all hoping for a great result because she and her hubby really deserve it!!!... They have been struggling with IF and miscarriages, so please give her your support.
Trish, I really hope this is the ONE..... A Big hug for you and David!!

On a different note, please also have Kathy on your thoughts and prayers as she is waiting for more answers after an appointment next week. Her baby is having an irregular heart beat and therefore she has been referred to a pediatric cardiologist.

Kathy, I really hope you get reassuring answers next week!!

The last Friday of 2007!!!

2007-12-28T13:00:00.000-06:00

My appointment yesterday was a very short one. The report of the genetic u/s I had on Friday wasn’t ready so we couldn’t discuss about it. My OB/GYN told us everything must be great because he didn’t hear anything from the genetic specialist and during the u/s he hold me everything looked OK. Usually if there is something wrong he calls your OB/GYN right after the u/s and he didn’t so I assume we are OK. My OB will review the report once its there and he won’t call us unless he doesn’t like something.

I have had a very busy week!!!… Being the last week of the year there are a lot of things that need to be done at my office so we are all stretching every second as much as we can…

In the stores it is the same story… The days were hectic before Christmas with all the orders that needed to be delivered for Christmas and now with the ones for New Years. No complaints about it, we are happy that things are going great. Last year things were kind of slow after Christmas and we thought this year will be the same but nope, so far we have had a great week and we hope for great sales this weekend!

On a different matter, I guess it’s always nice to put a face to a name. I am kind of reserved of posting pictures on this b.l.o.g. I really don’t know why, maybe because this is the place where I can come and write about everything and anything -at the same time- without really thinking before. It is my “escape” place when I need one…. But then Farah inspired me because she posted a pic and I was happy to “meet” her and now to actually picture her talking when I am reading her posts. So I decided to do the same thing. The picture will not be here forever, just for a while so you can picture me when you read.

I hope you all have a wonderful new year’s celebration and a 2008 full of health, work, love and great surprises!

My best christmas gift ever!

2007-12-26T13:02:00.000-06:00

I didn’t have a chance to update during the weekend but I am very happy to report that everything went well at my appointment, and it was my best Christmas gift ever!...

I just can't express how relieved I felt walking down to my car after hearing the specialist said that everything looked great. Actually, I was supposed to get several pictures of the baby but something went wrong with the machine and the nurse couldn't print them. The doctor was very upset with the situation and appologized a lot of times... I told him not to worry and that I was more than happy just to hear him say everything was OK, but he was really worried about the picture incident.... He told me that he would give me a 4D u/s free to make-up for the inconvenience!!!... That was nice!!!... Now I just need to do a little research on when is the best time to do it, if you happen to know please let me know!!!

I didn’t tell in my lasts posts that thank God there is nothing wrong with the baby, this kind of u/s was recommended by my OB/GYN even if everything looked right and we decided to do it. Here in my country is common practice to have an u/s every time you have a follow-up appointment during pregnancy, so I am lucky to get to see the baby each time I go to the OB/GYN. This genetic u/s is not mandatory if everything looks good but my OB/GYN suggested having it done anyway. We are convinced that we would not terminate the pregnancy if something went wrong but we did wanted to know the results of the genetic u/s so we could prepare the best we could to deal with the situation, in case we needed to. Thankfully everything looked right.

My OB/GYN is getting the report about the u/s and I have a follow-up appointment tomorrow to check on the pregnancy and to discuss the results.

Even though the u/s was very detailed and it took like 90 minutes, the baby didn’t want to cooperate too much when we wanted to confirm the gender. I needed to move to my side for a while and then to move to the straight position again and when we were giving up the baby gave us a nice view… I am sure you can guess with the picture added to this post!

I hope you all had a great holiday! ;)

...Where there is life there is hope!!!!

2007-12-21T15:52:00.000-06:00

Good news first....

Where there is life, there is hope!!!....

I am extremely happy to report that our prayers were answered!!!…. My online friend Kathy got great news yesterday after her follow-up u/s, everything looked good and baby Benson was as happy as can be with a strong heartbeat again!!!

And now, a little update about my life these days:

I had an appointment with the endocrinologist yesterday to check on my thyroid levels and everything looks good. No need to increase my meds at this point, which is great, and I hope to keep the good news coming after my u/s this afternoon.

I don’t know if my u/s is like the big u/s that those of you living in the States get. This one is a very detailed u/s performed by a genetics specialist. Here they call it “Level IV -Genetic u/s”. After the u/s I will get a report and a copy will be sent to my OB/GYN. We will discuss the results with the specialist during the appointment and then with my OB/GYN next week. This is the u/s were we will know for sure the gender but it is the last thing I am really worried about…. I just want everything to be fine!!!!

I wouldn’t be honest if I tell you that I am completely relaxed. Every time an appointment gets closer I get nervous and anxious, …. Well this time is no exception, I guess I was fine during the past few days but then today I really feel the anxiety. The T is not going to be able to make it today for the u/s as he has to attend the Christmas party for all the employees at the warehouse. I will be going all by myself so please send me all your good vibes, thoughts, and prayers!!!

A kindly request!!!

2007-12-18T19:23:00.000-06:00

This time I am here with a very friendly request:

Please, have Kathy and her family in your thoughts and prayers as they go through a difficult time.

Kathy, a big hug for you!!!

Something fun to start this week!!!

2007-12-10T11:51:00.000-06:00

….I guess with all the things going on during the past few weeks I forgot to write about something fun!!…

When our past OB appointment was approaching, the T kept asking if we would be able to know the gender of the baby and every time I told him that it was still very early to tell for sure. Then when we were in the u/s room and the doctor was performing the u/s the T told him that I was very, very impatient about knowing the gender. After I heard that I just laugh out loud!!!… You see, I WAS THE ONE IMPATIENT!!!!…

So, the doctor told us it was still early to confirm and that he didn’t like to tell before it was sure. Then the T said that I've told him the same thing, but if he could give us a “clue”. He doctor laughed and told him he would give us a clue on what he was seeing but also he told us not to come after him if in the big u/s we get a different confirmation.

So, I said that I could wait until the big u/s but the T said that he wanted the clue… Now it was totally clear who was the impatient one….!!!… So the doctor kept looking at the screen looking for a good view and then he freezes it and makes it bigger…. And then he says OK, here are the upper part of the legs and, if you see here, this baby at this point seems to be a GIRL!!!…

So, we'll see if we get that confirmation on the big u/s on the 21st!!!!

I've been tagged!!!

2007-12-06T10:34:00.000-06:00

...for a while now and I haven't realized it!!!

Tina tagged me, but as my life has been kind of crazy lately, I haven't had much time to spend on my blog, and I just noticed it a few days ago.... Well, she is one of my readers, and now online friend, who after a long IF road is now pregnant with twins. She is having a follow up appointment and an u/s today to see the heartbeats, so please keep her in your toughts, prayers and chicken dances!

Tina: All of my fingers crossed and a prayer for you today!!!... ;)

As I've been tagged, here are 8 random things about me:

1. My passions in life: travel, knit/crochet, cooking/baking, running

2. I have never smoked

3. I have never been drunk - I rarely drink more than 2 glasses of any alcoholic beverage

4. I’m fortunate to have been in 38 countries around the world

5. I have a bachelor in Industrial Engineering

6. I have also 2 technical degrees - One in culinary arts and the other one in baking and pastry

7. I lost my father when I was 4 years old, my mom was 29 and pregnant. She lost the baby also.
With the loss of my father, I think I lost my mother too…. I believe she never actually fully recovered from the whole thing, she became alcoholic and still is, so I grew up in a very tough and modest environment....

8. I married The T, my college sweetheart, after 9 years of dating... Yes, NINE YEARS!!! -I was ready to sue him if he didn't propose - ;)

Now, I tag you..... I like this tag thing because I believe is a great way to get to know you better, so if you have a chance, get in this tag process and tell us more about you!

15 weeks and growing!!!

2007-12-03T10:10:00.000-06:00

Wow, it really amazes me to see how our baby ticker keeps changing each week. It seems that this week our treasure is starting to look much more like a little one. And well, also since the beginning of this week I feel that my belly is popping out and I am so excited about it!

The firsts weeks of the pregnancy, even though I felt great I was bloated and I notice it in my clothes, but then I guess it went away slowly because a lot of my pants that felt tight started to fit just right again and I still fit in a lot of my regular clothes. I can’t wait to start showing and feel the baby move.

The weekend was very good!!!... The stores were very busy and we had record sales. Also one friend from college came to visit and we kind of “took advantage” of it and went to visit this new place in the city. It is a man made river that starts in downtown, goes to the south and it finishes inside a park. We knew it was a nice place but I really didn’t imagine how gorgeous it is. It is 1 mile long and has a promenade on the sides where people can walk, and along the way it has a lot of different kinds of fountains and waterfalls. It is just beautiful and I believe I will come back to take a few pictures and show you so you can see a little bit about where I live.

I hope you all have a great week and a very happy Monday!!!….

... An intense post!

2007-11-28T13:29:00.000-06:00

OK…. I have been M.I.A. again so prepare yourself and fasten your seat belts because this is going to be a LOOOONG post!!!...... Because the past couple of weeks have been kind of intense!!!

First, we had the last retail trade show of the year and we were very busy setting up the booth and making all the arrangements. Thank God we had a very good show and got a lot of orders in, so that was a nice reward after all the hard work.

Then, the T got really sick. He caught a virus and he caught it seriously. He had very intense headaches, fever and lost all appetite and energy. He is not a small guy that gets sick easily; actually I have never seen him this sick in the 14 years we have been together.
This time the virus hit him hard and put him on bed for the past week. We were able to control the headaches and fever with meds but the worst part was the energy loss. He was so weak that going from bed to the bathroom was like climbing Everest!… If he was in bed without doing any extra efforts he was “fine” but then, minimal efforts like going to the bath and taking a shower required more energy than what he could provide and he will start having these episodes of loosing all color, turning stark white, sweating like crazy. He has never passed out, but he told me that was the feeling he had during these episodes, like he was going to pass out if he didn’t put his body on bed rest right away.

I was worried!!!….

He stayed like this for 3 days and during the 4th day I took him to the hospital and while they were checking on his vitals he had another episode. I am glad he had one there because we were having a hard time trying to describe them. Once we started having it the whole people at the ER moved very quickly and in a second they had him in bed. As you can imagine, the T was very nervous and I was terrified!!!…. But I needed to be strong and calm for him, so I don’t know how but I managed to at least pretend and make him and the doctors believe that I was relaxed and calmed.

After they got him stabilized again, they drew blood to run some tests and set and IV to help with the dehydration. The tests came back and the doctors knew it was a virus but couldn’t actually conclude what kind of virus. I suspected from one specific kind that has been around a lot here in the city but the doctors needed more tests to conclude. The doctors wanted him to stay in the hospital but really it had no sense because they were not going to do anything additional to what we could do at home, so we decided to go back home. The next 2 days were the same and we had a follow up appointment after the results of the second set of tests came back. This time it was clear that it was the virus that I suspected from the beginning, and what we were doing were all that could be done. So he had a full week in bed, with no appetite at all just trying to drink a lot of fluids and waiting for the virus to finally surrender!

This week he is back to work. He is still not 100% recovered as he still feels weak, but he is managing it.

Well, the good part of all this is that we are both glad that he was the one who caught the virus and not me!!!… I have been fine and this kind of virus is not contagious from being in contact with someone that caught it, so that was good.

I am fine, and feeling very lucky because so far I’m still feeling perfectly normal, no m/s, no headaches, no sore breasts, no cramps, no constipation, no heartburn, no nothing…….and no weight gain so far!!!…

I had a follow up appointment on Monday and the doctor was very happy to see that I was feeling so well. We had an u/s and thank God our little miracle is perfect, and we got the order for the big ultrasound to be performed in 4 more weeks.

I had blood work done to check my thyroid and everything was fine, so no increase of meds yet, but I was told that most probably I will need an increase further on.

Last but not least, for those of you in the U.S.A., I want to wish you a happy belated THANKSGIVING!!!…. We don’t celebrate it in my country but I really like the meaning of it and enjoyed the celebrations a lot while we were living in the states.

I really hope you all had a great time with your families and friends!!!

Acceptance...

2007-11-08T12:44:00.000-06:00

I haven’t been updating much because as stupid and silly as it may sound I am still cautiously reserving myself from attaching too much to all this….
I feel grateful each day, as I feel one day closer, but the reality is that in the back of my heart and my mind there is also this “something can still go wrong” thinking and I am not sure if it will ever go away.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel calm and I am, I believe I can’t worry and trust God at the same time, so as I have said before, I am taking each day at a time. Enjoying the present with hope for the future but without letting myself get too excited…. if that makes any sense!!!

It is weird, and I hadn’t comment about it before, but I was reading another blog and it rang my bell because I felt the same way. When I was dx with P..O..F.. I was told that my chances of getting pregnant naturally were not impossible but very very close to, and that my only treatment option was I..V..F.. using d.o.n.o.r e.g.g.s…. Then I started to cycle on my own again and our hope got a slight of a better view just to discover that the T’s S.A. was not good… It was a tough time and it took me a while to “digest it”.

I felt sad but knew I had a lot of things to be grateful for, so I tried to focus on those things and I prayed, and prayed and prayed just to have the strength to overcome whatever was planned for me. There is a very common “prayer” said during @lcoholics @nonymous sessions that I like and it has to do with all this. I will try to translate and share:

God, please grant me serenity to accept those things that I can’t change,
Courage to change those that I can,
And wisdom to recognize the difference.

As each day went by I felt better and realized that in order to bring someone else into my life I first needed to be at peace with myself, so I was working hard on that one!!!…

It is odd, but as the time passed I felt even better and in August it came to a point in which I accepted that having my own child was something that may never happen for us and that I wasn’t going to let that fact take over my life and my feelings. I knew we could find a way to deal with it…. Much to my surprise, August was our lucky month!!!… Did it had something to do with my acceptance???… I don’t know, but I do know that the timing do make a match.

I hope you all have a great day!!!

Whew!!!

2007-10-30T15:56:00.000-06:00

I had my follow up appointment this morning and I am happy to report that everything is going well. My “lt” was very active, measuring 4.5 centimeters, with a HB of 159 beats per minute. I was pleased and sort of relieved to see him again as happy as can be.

I guess I am starting to believe that this is ACTUALLY happening and that everyday we are one day closer to have a May baby!!!

I hope this great trend of good news keep coming…. Have a great day!

…More great news to share!!!

2007-10-29T09:56:00.000-06:00

OK, October has been such a great month that I just don’t want it to come to an end!!!….

First, things first:

CONGRATS Farah!!!!
She is another online friend who also has been struggling with primary IF and got to see those beautiful 2 lines last week and then a great beta.

Kathy, got great second and third beta levels and she is also now waiting for her appointment next Monday.

I will have my fingers crossed for both of you girls, so please keep the good news coming after your appointments!!!

Sommer, another online friend who was pregnant with twin boys after I..V..F.., delivered her boys at 31 weeks on Friday October 19th . She had an emergency c-section and had some complications later but I am so very happy to report that she is doing a great job to recover fast and her preemie boys are progressing incredibly good!… They are just absolutely gorgeous!!!

Last week we had the grand opening of the new store and it was great!!!… It was a lot of work and we are all still tired but everything came out perfect and so far we have heard very good comments from our customers. We are hoping and praying to have great sales this coming holiday season.

Last but not least…. I have a follow up dr. appointment tomorrow and I must confess I am a bit scared!!!!
Since I found out about this pregnancy I have been kind of “reserved” about my feelings. I knew that seeing 2 lines and having great betas not always ends in a live birth 8 months later, so I didn’t want to get my hopes up to much in order to “protect” myself. That’s why I haven’t told about the pregnancy to anyone apart from my mother and my in laws…. And I know they don’t understand why I am being so “closed minded” in this matter, I guess just us who have been struggling with IF issues can relate to this.
I have been trying to take one day at a time and well, I know that being scared and worried won’t change any outcome, it is what it is and that helps a little to ease my mind and be at peace.

I will update tomorrow after my appointment, hopefully keeping the good news coming in!

....Great news always deserve a post!!!

2007-10-22T16:19:00.000-05:00

Sorry I have been MIA again!!!...

We have the grand opening of the new store at the end of this week and in my office I am still involved in the closing of the 2 big projects, so I have been very busy!!!

I had some great news that I wanted to share:

Kathy, one of my online friends, has been struggling with secondary infertility for a long time. She and her husband underwent several fresh IVF cycles without success. This past cycle they tried their first FET and a few minutes ago they got the great news.... IT WORKED!!!

Yes.....They are pregnant and their first beta came back at an awesome level!

....I really don't know why but I had a good feeling for her about this cycle, so today I was on pins and needles waiting for her post and I must confess that reading it brought me to tears!

Kathy: I am extremely happy for you, Bob and Sean.... I am sure this is by far the greatest birthday gift for Bob!.... I really hope it is the begining of a memorable story with a happy ending for a lot more years to come!!! A BIG HUG FOR YOU!!!

....Yes, I am here and I am ALIVE!!!

2007-10-15T19:28:00.000-05:00

Sorry for being MIA for so long!!!

The previous weeks have been very busy and hectic at the office. One of my coworkers got married and took 20 days off and another one is on maternity leave, so that means my tasks got “triplicated” and then I am also working on the closing of 2 big projects, so keep the fun going!!!….

Besides that I am fine… When I had my u/s appointment the doctor asked me for a lot of prenatal blood work tests and also a thyroid test. At the end of last year he asked me to have my thyroid checked and while it was within the normal range, T.S.H. was a little bit on the high side. Doctors like to see T.S.H. values at 2-2.5 and mine was 4.0. He didn’t give me any medication at that time but with the prenatal testing he also wanted to check my thyroid hormone levels again. Well, it turned out my T.S.H. had already increased and was outside the normal range, so I started medication to keep it under control and was asked to see the endocrinologist again. All the other tests came back fine.

I went to see the endocrinologist last Friday and everything was fine, I had been taking my medication for 9 days and my T.S.H. was already under control so that was good. She told me it is still early to know if I will need thyroid medication from now on. She will keep monitoring my levels and we will have a better idea if it is something that will stay forever or it just due to the pregnancy…. Only time will tell.

During my appointment with the endocrinologist, I learned that my doctor, who is a F.S., is the one who took care of her 3 pregnancies. I knew they got along very well but didn’t know she was actually his patient. I knew my doctor was a very good doctor but knowing that he was actually her doctor gave me even more confidence.

Overall I am fine, and have been feeling very well. Sometimes I have this strange feeling… I don’t know if it is m/s because it doesn’t happen just in the morning. I feel like I ate too much and I am “full”. So full that I feel that I have the food in my throat. It is weird. I have realized that it happens very often when I haven’t had anything to eat for a long period of time, so now I try to eat small snacks every now and then and that seems to help.

Even though I haven’t been commenting much on your blogs, I want you to know that I have been following them….

Sommer, I can't believe you are already 30 weeks!!!... It has been a long and tough road but you have done an outstanding job, ....keep on going you're always there!!!

Kathy, I agree with Sommer.... I am really hoping and praying that this is the ONE!!!

Farah, I know there are no words to make you feel better, I just want you to know that I am here!!!

Princess, I am extremely happy about the great results you got, it is time to start celebrating!

Trish, A big hug to you. I'll be thinking of you this wednesday.

Ultimate Journey, A beautiful baby girl, that is awesome!

The treasure’s heart beat!!!…

2007-09-27T13:33:00.000-05:00

I had my first u/s yesterday and I am soooo glad to report that everything looked great. Our little treasure - “lt” from now on - was there, as happy as can be, measuring 2.2mm with a heartbeat of 120 BPM.

I really have no words to describe how relieved and happy I feel right now, it’s just unbelievable.

The doctor was really surprised that considering my story, we’ve got our BFP on our own, an even more surprised with my beta numbers. He just couldn’t believe it and said that he has never seen another case like mine in his entire career. Well, there’s nothing impossible for God!

It was funny that when he reviewed my betas again he said they looked great but nothing else, he just stared at them for a while…then when we were in the u/s room, we were looking at the screen and the lt appeared. The doctor explain what we were looking at, then pointed out the heart beat and turned the sound on so we could “hear it”… then he kept looking at my uterus and said well, it seems it is just one!!!…. I laughed and replied that I knew he would also have that doubt because of my high betas and that I would be extremely happy with twins as I’ve always had a fascination with multiples. And his answer was: well, you aren’t really a very “spacious” girl. Twins would’ve been a challenge for your body but we would’ve looked for the best way to deal with it!

To say that we are o.v.e.r t.h.e. m.o.o.n. is really an understatement. We are happily enjoying each day at a time hoping that everything keeps going well.

I am sorry that I haven’t had time to catch up with your blogs this week. This has been a hectic week at the office as one of my coworkers got married and is in her honeymoon, another one is on maternity leave and one more quit and her position hasn’t been replaced yet…. So I am driving myself crazy…. trying, just trying,…. to get the office running. I will try to catch up during the weekend but in the mean time I want to thank you again for all your support, prayers, chicken dances and for taking the time to keep going on this journey with me!

I hope you all have a great weekend!

...Treasure Found!!!

2007-09-24T19:28:00.000-05:00

The T is home again!!…. I thought he was coming back on Saturday, but then I checked his itinerary and found out his plane back home was on Sunday. I am glad I found out on time otherwise I would have gone to the airport on Saturday!!!

Well, after a lot of different ideas I finally decided to do a “T.r.e.a.s.u.r.e H.u.n.t” to let him know the news and it was a lot of fun!!!…

It all started in our bedroom. I bought one of those balloons that are filled with helium, it had a smile face and at the end there was a greeting card. He asked me what was that and I told him that I went shopping and found a nice surprise for him, a belated birthday present. He opened the card and inside was this Treasure Hunt Card that I made, with the first hint…

Hint 1: Envelopes, 11, guest bedroom

Hint 2: http address
(Each envelope had a part of a puzzle made of a sheet of paper where I wrote an http address. The address was from a blog that I created)

Hint 3: CD Organizer, M.e.g R.y.a.n, T.o.m H.a.n.k.s, F.O.X.
(This hint was the first post of the blog I created)

Hint 4: Our closet, first drawer, left side, 3 parts
(This hint was hidden behind the DVD of the movie called You’ve.got.mail!! in one of our DVD organizers)

Hint 5: Login, password, email site
(Each of this 3 parts were hidden inside his socks sets, so he needed to unfold almost all pairs to find them all!!!)

Hint 6: 3rd bedroom, shower
(This hint was the first email of the email account I created)

Treasure Found!!!…. In the shower of the 3rd bedroom was a big box filled with a lot of paper and a smaller box where I wrapped my H.P.T with several layers of wrapping paper. The smaller box was from one of those designer pens that I got as a present a while ago. We aren’t really into designer things and I had it in a drawer, so I decided to use it just so he couldn’t imagine what was it… and it worked!!!

We both enjoyed the whole process and he didn’t have a clue!!!… We are both very happy but we know it is still early, we are really hoping for the best but don’t want to get our hopes up. We are just taking each day at a time, waiting for our appointment this coming Wednesday.

...Is GOD into trading???

2007-09-21T09:52:00.000-05:00

I’ve only told 2 people, one of my coworkers at the office, because she knows my story and is a really good friend, and the second one is my mom. I had a hard time telling my mom and it vas very emotional. She cried and cried and told me something that made me feel bad…. She told me that she had been praying a lot and she told God that He could take her life if He healed me. I know she did so with great intentions but if something happens to her I am going to feel guilty!!!….

Now, I must tell you that my mom is a very nervous person, so when I need to talk to her about anything I need to be very careful of what I tell and how I do it because if she sees that I’m in pain or suffering she gets depressed and it lasts months… Sometimes when I feel really sad, after a good cry I feel better and my batteries recharge like magic, but for her it is not like that. So when I told her about my diagnosis it was way after I had somehow “digested” it. When we spoke about it I’ve always been calmed and relaxed otherwise she would have been depressed for a long time……

Now, I just hope God is really NOT into trading, because for me it is not one thing for the other!!!

On a side note, please send all your good thoughts, prayers and chicken dances to two good online friends. Farah who is at the end of the 2WW and Kathy who is just starting a FET cycle... Girls, I am thinking of you!!!

Still here....

2007-09-19T11:22:00.001-05:00

Thank you very much for all your comments and support. It really means a lot to me!!!

The T is still traveling, and I haven’t told him the news yet!!!….
When I first found out I wanted to get the beta confirmation, and then I wanted to wait for the second beta to make sure things were going OK….

After that I thought a lot if I should tell him or just wait until he comes back and decided to wait. The reasoning behind my decision is that, first of all I didn’t want to tell him by email or by phone, I wanted to see his face….. Besides that I know it is still early, and if for some reason something just goes wrong during this time that he is away, he will be very worried and feeling awful for being so far. He is coming back this coming Saturday and I haven’t decided how I am going to tell him!!!…

In the mean time I have been P.O.A.S… Thank you God for dollar store H.P.T!!!… And this is a picture of the ones I have so far. The lines are getting darker, so even though I know it doesn’t really mean anything, it gives me a little reassurance…

Talking about symptoms I really don’t have any, other than no AF I feel like I always do. I hope you all have a great day!

Expect the unexpected...

2007-09-17T15:39:00.000-05:00

….and amaze yourself!!! …If you haven’t read the previous two post, go and read those first!!!

Well, I headed to the lab on 09/11 and there was the girl that has done all of my blood draws. I explain to her my situation and she told me that the beta test isn’t processed at their facilities. They do the blood draw but they send the sample to another lab, and because of that they keep track of those orders a lot, they could still process my request but I needed to sign this paper with the name of my doctor…. And of course I did so!

I had my blood drawn and as the sample isn’t processed in the same lab, I needed to wait 24 hours to get the results….. The wait began and the next day, when it was time to go pickup the results it was raining a lot here!!!… I wasn’t sure how bad the traffic was going to be and was afraid I couldn’t get to the lab before they close so I called and they gave me the results by phone, and told her I was going back to the lab the next day to have another beta….

Now, both results are back!!!…. My beta on 09/11 at 13-14 DPO was 294, and the one on 09/13 at 15-16 DPO was 887….

I have just no words.... I am truly a.m.a.z.e.d, and s.h.o.c.k.e.d, and s.u.r.p.r.i.s.e.d!

BabyMed has this nice H.C.G. calculator and graphs your values in a chart so you can compare them with the average data of singleton pregnancies. This is what my values look like in the chart:

There was a 202% H.C.G. increase in the two-day period and my doubling time was 30 hours…. I really don’t know why my hormones levels always are OFF CHART!!!!…

I was surprised by my numbers, I really hope it doesn't mean there is something wrong!!!... It seems that for us, the worries never end and I know it is still early…. I will try to take one day at a time, anxiously waiting for the appointment with our FS next week on 09/26. For now I am on cloud nine, over the moon and I want to enjoy it!

9/11 - Part two

2007-09-17T15:35:00.000-05:00

…If you haven’t read the previous post, go and read it first!!!….

…. Last Tuesday, when the T left, I decided that it wasn’t good to just keep waiting. If the P.O.F had come back and I needed to start taking H.R.T. again it was better to start now than to wait and let my hormones go crazy as last time… and I knew that the doctor would not fill my prescription for the pills without having a “not pregnant” confirmation. So, after the T left at 4.30 AM, as you can imagine I was just so nervous, so scared, and afraid.

It was just so much, and I couldn’t stand it anymore and decided to go to the lab to have blood work done so I could go to the doctor’s appointment with the results and then be able to leave with the prescription, instead of having him order the test and then go again to pick up the prescription after the results were back. The plan sounded good but I didn’t know if the lab would want to perform the test without the order from the doctor… I always go to the same lab and I have gone so many times that they already know me, so I decided to just go and see if they could help….

I finally woke up and while I was doing the bed I remembered I still had two pee sticks, a cheapie and an early results. I found the cheapie one and decided to P.O.A.S. before going to the lab. I figured that seeing my always snow-white result will help to start coping with the lab results…. So, I did it and my eyes just couldn’t believe what was in the result window….

Yes, there was a second line,
…. and it appeared in less than a minute,
…. and while it wasn’t blaringly dark, it wasn’t faint either,
…. it could be seen easily without H.P.T goggles….

My heart started to pound so hard, I was all shaky and couldn’t believe it. I went back to look for the wrap to check the expiration date, and it wasn’t expired…. But it was a dollar store test, it could be a faulty test… Thank God those tests ask you to pee.in.a.cup as I still had the cup and run to look for the other pee.stick. This was an early results and I wasn’t testing early, so the results would be a bit more reliable…. As soon as the dye started to get to the window area, the second line showed up…

Yes, another second line,
…. and this time it was blaringly dark,
…. almost as dark as the control line…

Here are both H.P.T - for posterity -

OMG, I was overflowed in tears of joy and happiness, I just couldn’t believe it, and I didn’t have more pee.sticks. So I decided to rush to the lab and beg and pray to the girls to perform a beta test!!!….

9/11 - Part one

2007-09-17T11:41:00.000-05:00

OK…. I don’t even know how to start this post and it is going to be a loooong one!
I guess I should start from the beginning, right???…. Let’s see:

I’ve never been a PMS girl, no cramps, no bloating, no nothing, so every time my period arrives it is just like that, no warning!!!… Since I was off BCP the only thing that I had as a “sign” was spotting. I am a chronic spotter; I spot for as long as 6 days before AF. That’s why I had my progesterone levels checked a few months ago, but they were OK, so the doctor wasn’t concerned about it.

Last Tuesday, the T left and I was 13-14 DPO and I hadn’t started spotting. I really wasn’t excited because even though I usually spot, I have had 1 cycle with no spotting at all, and moreover, when I was Dx with P.O.F it was like that…. My period just didn’t come, not even a single spot. My hormone levels at that time were incredibly out of control and my ovaries were unresponsive, showing a clear pattern of P.O.F…. Yes, I had several tests performed after that and when the results came back the endocrinologist opinion was that the probability of really being P.O.F was very small, very small doesn’t equals impossible, there was always the chance that it really is.

After all, as I stopped cycling just like that, I started to cycle again, on my own. These facts were what the endocrinologist considered when she gave her final opinion. I was relieved but in my mind the very small chance of really being P.O.F was always there, because at the very end, P.O..F is cruel; it can go away many months and then suddenly appear again to stay forever. If you are cycling on your own, each cycle could be your last one!!!… So, as I kept cycling each month, CD1 was always a day full of mixed feelings.

As the days went by this cycle with no spotting my fears set in, I was scared and afraid. I could barely sleep at night, and the few moments I could I had nightmares! During the day I couldn’t concentrate, my productivity was like almost nonexistent! …But there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t talk to the T about it. I knew he had to go to this business trip and I was sure he was not going to leave if he knew about it, and it just has no sense to let this take over our lives, we need to keep going!!!…

...Alone!

2007-09-13T13:18:00.000-05:00

I'm home alone one more time....

The T left last Tuesday. He had a lot of things to go over with a few of our suppliers so that is what he is doing during this and the following week. He really needed to make this trip so we thought it was better to do it now that we are just starting with all the renovation work in the new rental than once we are in the "rush" phase.

I went to visit my mom last weekend and find out she received this letter from the government.

My grandparents from my dad's side died a few years ago. They had a few properties and assigned them one for each of their children, so as my father had already past away, the property would be for my mom. It turned out that there is some legal paperwork missing, the time has passed and the issue is still unsolved. The problem is that by law there is this tax you need to pay when you have a property and because of the situation it hasn't been paid. The issue is that the property is still under my grandparent's name and at this point we are not sure if the legal problems will be resolved, so as you can imagine we don't want to "invest" and pay this taxes for a property that may never be for my mom.

The letter is basicaly demanding the payment of this taxes or they will start a legal process to auction the property..... Sooo, I will need to go and try to talk to somebody at the government's office to explain the situation. I hope I can find a way to stop this legal process and delay the payment of the taxes until the legal issues are solved!

I have this other thing going on in my mind that I haven't been able to get a good night sleep for the last few days..... but I really don't want to go into details at this point as I think I may be over-reacting about it, so that's it for now.

Have a great thursday!!!

Good news!!!

2007-09-11T16:30:00.000-05:00

I have very good news to report to all of you!!!!

WE CLOSED THE DEAL ON THE NEW RENTAL SPACE YESTERDAY!!! Yeeeeeeyyyyy!!!!!

We are really happy and excited about it. This will be the 3rd. store and we plan to have the grand opening in 5 weeks..... Can you imagine how crazy this next 5 weeks are going to be????...

Well, from the experience with the other stores, they are going to be loooooong working days including weekends, but that is part of the fun!

I leave you with a quote by Ralph Marston.... Have a great week!

...If you are going through difficult times, remember that whatever you may encounter is virtually insignificant when compared with what you choose to do with it. Always choose the best response, no matter what comes your way, and each day you'll rise a little higher than you were the day before!!

Rainy weekend

2007-09-03T13:11:00.000-05:00

We had a very rainy weekend, but it seems to be over today...

As the time passes, as ironic as it may sound, I feel better about our IF struggles. As each day goes by, the pain is slowly going away. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean I don't care about it, I do care, but the last few weeks I have been feeling more at peace. I really don't understand why is it happening. Maybe it is because I am just starting to accept any possible outcome, or because I am succeeding at trying to convince myself that, at the very end, if things just don't happen for us, we will surely find a way to deal with it. Therefore there is just no point in being tough on myself and making my days any harder.

If you have time, take a few minutes and see this Slideshow ....it is good for today, tomorrow and just anyday you feel you need a little something to help pull yourself together.

Have a great week!

Behind closed doors...

2007-08-30T17:11:00.000-05:00

I have the best news to report today and I am soooo happy about it!

Remember the rental spaces we were looking for that got rented???.... Well, the T was very unhappy about it, and it kind of bothered me also but I knew there was a good reason why that happen and I did try to transmit my feelings to the T about the whole situation.

It turns out that the T found another good place that is also available for rent!... It is located in a different area of the city, but we were also have been looking for places in this area and haven't found anything interesting. We really liked a specific corner, there is a business already there but it also has this huge parking lot, so we did a little research to find out who the owners were and talk to them to see if they were interested in renting us part of the parking lot to build the store, but they weren't interested at all.... We kept visiting the area hoping to find more options but couldn't find any. Last Tuesday the T had to attend an event and the place was near this area so in his way there he saw that one of the rentals right next to this corner we like was available for rent!

The T already went to check out the inside of the space and it really meets our needs, so he is currently negotiating pricing and contract conditions. And well if this wasn't enough good news, he got a call from another realty agent to see if we are interested in another rental in the area that the other 2 places got rented. We still don't know any details about this one, the T will go to see the space and we will see if it is what we are looking for.

Off course there is still early to be sure that we will be closing the deal on any of these new places but I am just so happy to confirm that when we seem to be behind closed doors, there is always the window, .......we just need to remember and look around to find it!

...Can I rent a child for my IL's?

2007-08-28T09:35:00.000-05:00

I know this blog has been very boring the last few weeks, I am sorry!!!

Life has been good, I can't complain at all...

The T has been looking for a rental space for a new store, he found 2 that he liked, but with all the traveling he has been doing it took him a while to finally decide and work on a written renting proposal for the owners. Well, both places are already rented!!!... The news really hit hard on the T, but I am convinced that things happen for a reason and I guess these spaces just weren't meant to be for us!

Last weekend we went to the IL's place to have lunch and while we were eating my FIL told us that his friends are organizing a camping weekend to this place they used to go with their sons when they were kids, now the plan was to take their grandchildren there.... so while my FIL was very enthusiastic about the whole plan he doesn't have grandchildren. In the middle of the conversation my MIL said, "Well, maybe we can rent one!!!...." We all laughed and I replied that it sounded like a good option!.... I know how bad they want grandchildren and they are fully aware about our situation, so it really didn't bother me at all, I just feel sad for us and for them.

About the culture results we are waiting, it turns out that we are still waiting because the T hasn't gone to have it done.... with all the traveling he hasn't had time, I hope next week is a little bit less hectic so we can finally have the results and talk to our FS.

I went grocery shopping a few days ago and there were Christmas stuff already being sold. I just can't believe how fast this year is going!....

....Are you a winner?

2007-08-20T18:39:00.000-05:00

I was home alone last week.... The T was out the whole week on a business trip, so as you can imagine, with my job and the stores, time just flew!

One more cycle also started last Saturday, and I have a very weird feeling every time a new cycle starts.... There is obviously the sad feeling, and I am sure I don't need to explain why!!!... but then there is also this grateful thing.... Yes, as absurd as it may sound, I also feel grateful!!!!

Grateful because that means that at least I am still cycling on my own, and with POF you just never know!!!

These last days I have been thinking a lot.... I have had some really sad news about people I know that made realize one more time how lucky and fortunate I am.... Even with all my own struggles, I am fortunate... I really don't want to get into details, some of you are currently preggo and I am sure that knowing the details will sure shock and scare you.

....I just wanted to take this opportunity to remember you that no matter what you are going through, look around and inside you, grab a pen and a sheet of paper, write down a list of all the things you have, or you are struggling with..... with my eyes closed I bet the list of good things will be by far the winner!.... And the first step to bigger and better things is convincing yourself you are a WINNER!!!

One more week...

2007-08-13T08:52:00.000-05:00

I hope you all had a great weekend, even if things didn't turn out the way you wanted, try to remember that everything happens for a reason!...
I want to share this with you today, something to think about..... I hope you like it as much as I do!

21 Suggestions for S U C C E S S
=============================================
1. Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness .
2. Work at something you enjoy and that's worthy of your time and talent.
3. Give people more that they expect and do it cheerfully.
4. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
5. Be forgiving, of yourself, and others.
6. Be generous.
7. Have a grateful heart.
8. Be persistent, ...persistent, ...persistent.
9. Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary.
10. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
11. Commit yourself to constant improvement.
12. Commit yourself to quality.
13. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power or prestige, but on relationships with people you love and respect.
14. Be loyal.
15. Be honest.
16. Be proactive.
17. Be decisive, even if it means you will sometimes be wrong.
18. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life.
19. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you will regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.
20. Take good care of those you love.
21. Don't do anything that wouldn't make your Mom proud.

....A hectic morning!

2007-08-08T16:26:00.000-05:00

....A crazy morning at the office!!!...

I've been kind of catching up Monday and Tuesday after being gone last week and I was almost up to date, but then this morning was hectic!

A lot of things going on and some problems, that I didn't know existed, just popped up today.... Well I believe it was all just to remind me I am alive!!!... What would be life without problems to solve???... It will be just BORING because then you can't really appreciate the good things!

The friends that I told you about in a previous post are in a close by town for a few days. We are meeting them tonight and I can't wait to see them and their children. When we were living in the US we were really close, so there is a strong bond between us. I talked to her yesterday and she told me that her pregnancy is going perfect, she's feeling great. I don't know why but I believe she is carrying twins... I told her and she was surprised because she has that feeling too!!!...

Maybe it is all in our heads and we are both crazy..... who knows, only time would tell.

On a different topic, one of the bloggers I "know" just had her ET yesterday and I was very happy to read that everything went well. She is PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) now!!!... Please have her in your thoughts and prayers and send all the good vibes and chicken dances her way.

One last thing.... as you have noticed, English it's not my native language. I try to do my best in the spelling and wording part but I am sure there are mistakes around, so please if you come across one, please let me know, otherwise I will be fooling around making the same mistakes over and over again.... How about being my teachers???.... Does that sound like a plan????

Have a great day!

Glad to be back...

2007-08-06T13:41:00.000-05:00

Hey, I am back!!!....

We arrived last night just on time to go to the stores and are very pleased because while we were out things were running pretty good and had very very good sales!!!...

Our trip was great, it was tough because the show was big and we had just 2 and a half days to see everything, that meant looots of walking everyday but we enjoyed it. We placed some orders for new items that hopefully will be here for Christmas season... We didn't have that much free time for ourselves but hey, breathing new air and just being out of our everyday routine is a vacation itself!!!

On a different matter, my guardian angel is still working like crazy!!!.... We got back T's results for the second SA and I was sooo happy that they look muuuuuuch better than the previous one. ....Actually this time they seem to be normal. We are still waiting for the results on the culture and I really don't want to get my hopes up, but at least up to this point, it's a better picture to start with!

Last Saturday, 26 years ago, my father went to heaven. That day was a marker in my life, a lot of things have happened, and it will be a lie to say that since I was very little and a lot of time has passed, I don't miss him.....

It surely has been a tough life, and sometimes I think how my life would be if he hadn't left.... A while ago, somebody asked me that if I had the chance to change something about my life what would that be?....

I thought about it for a while, of course what came to my mind right away was my father's death. Having the opportunity to grow up with him at my side would have been great, but then I knew that all that I am today was indeed "forged" ahead by all that I have been through. It certainly hasn't been easy but what really matters and have real value in life NEVER come easy.

Dad - You are still my pillar, I love you!

Happy Wednesday!!!

2007-07-25T09:12:00.000-05:00

I'm here, I'm here!!!!...

The days have been crazy, the T and I have been very busy at work and with the stores also. I haven't been updating so often because there is really not much to report but yesterday I got some great news that deserve to be mentioned!

The T and I met this couple when we were living in the US, we are very good friends since then and we got great news from them.....They are preggo!!!! They already have two kids, and are now happily expecting the next addition to their family. I close my eyes and it seems like yesterday when I was holding their second child, when he was a newborn, .....and he is a big kid now almost 4 years old!

OK.... I am NOT getting old; HE is the one who is getting BIG ;)

Our friends are still living in the US but he got some work to do in Europe and taking advantage of the school vacations all the family went there to spend the summer. So, after this I am just thinking that the T and I need to start preparing our european summer vacation to see if we can catch at least a little of this preggo vibes!!! .....That sounds like a plan!!!!

Well, in the mean while we will be out of town next week, we are going to attend a trade show in the US. We are looking for new items to be sold in the stores and hopefully this trade show will have good options.

I hope you all have a great Wednesday and hey can I ask you a favor???

SMILE PLEASEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

The news...

2007-07-18T16:27:00.000-05:00

Today was the day....

We had our appointment with the FS, and it went well. He was really amazed with my progress and the results of my last 2 blood works, one was 7DPO and it showed a progesterone level of 39 and the other one was the current cycle's CD3 FSH-LH-E2, that I told you about in a previous post.

About the T's SA he really didn't want to say much. I read that SA's results can be greatly influenced by how the sample is handled and therefore you must be really sure that the lab is doing a good job to maintain the optimum conditions. We asked him about this and he agreed, so he told us about a lab that specializes in SA's and then gave us the order for a second SA's in this lab. He also ordered another SA to check for bacteria as the first SA showed the presence of white blood cells in the sample and this suggest the possibility of an infection.

So, once we have the results of these 2 tests we will call the doctor to discuss them and talk about the plan of action.... and hopefully, just hopefully our recipe for success....

Now, this just reminded me of this Ro.xette's song that is called "Dre.ssed for suc.cess".... And yes, I am liking the idea to see this time as our preparation to get dre.ssed for succ.ess!!!

Can dreams come true?

2007-07-13T12:45:00.000-05:00

.... WOW, it seems like my guardian angel have been busy this week, because lots of good thing materialized during the last few days!

Well, between many other stuff, last year my boss assigned me a BIG project. The company had just won this project with a new customer located in Eastern Europe, it seemed complicated since the beginning but I like challenges, so I accepted. I can't really describe how difficult it was!!!... It got to a point in which I was afraid every morning... afraid and stressed about getting my email because I just didn't have enough time to deal all of the things that were getting even more complicated than expected. At the end the project was implemented successfully, but it really cost me, like we say here: blood, sweat and tears!

This week we got customer's approval to start working on the contract for a second project!!!... My boss has been out of town for the past few days but I will surprise him with the good news next week!

The stores have also been doing pretty good this week!.... This time of the year is usually low because people is saving and using their money for vacations but so far we have had veeeeery good sales, I 'll cross my fingers for a good weekend also!

In a different matter, the T told me the other day that he got an email from a friend. She sends emails once in a while to be in touch, so she wrote about her life and at the end she wrote that she dreamed about us a few days ago. She dreamed that the T and I had twins (she doesn't know about our IF) , a boy and a girl.... I just couldn't resist to smile at the T when he was telling me, really it would be the best thing ever!!!....

...They say that God doesn't charge us for asking, praying so today I will ask and pray. Hopefully someday I will live to see her dream come true!